Before you found me all that time ago, when you reached out to me, when you really liked me and gave me a chance to be your significant other...

I had been through a lot of painful and traumatic experiences, my ex girlfriend at the time and her best friend tried turning my friends against me, I had been used and taken advantage of by people online who only acted like they were genuine and interested in me, though you already know this

When my own trust issues started to show up you were right to say that I probably wasn't ready for a relationship, and you still stayed by me and really tried to be the comfort and support I needed

You gave me everything you could to try and show me that you meant me no harm and that you were not like everyone from before

You never lied to me, you never asked me for anything and you never threatened to leave me, in fact I remember you would cry because you didn't want to lose me, because you genuinely wanted things between us to work out

I know that those tears were genuine and real, I know that you were genuine and real, and all I did was doubt you on top of begging you to trust and believe in everything I said to you instead of taking the time to earn your trust

You gave me a fighting chance and I realized recently that I never really gave you a fighting chance let alone the benefit of the doubt

I was so selfish and absorbed in my own pain and trauma and unwilling to let go and that caused me to act up and mistreat you

On top of that I realize now that I was holding you to unrealistic expectations which admittedly stemmed from watching Future Diary, at that point in time Gasai Yuno embodied what I was looking for and I ended up expecting you to be like her

Even still you fit perfectly inside the hole in my heart and if it wasn't for my own trauma and fresh wounds at the time you would have been more than enough for me

The day that I gave up on us and let you go after you said that you didn't see things going any other way, that day put an even bigger whole in my heart than what I already had

I should have accepted your offer to start from the beginning and do things right when I had the chance, I didn't realize that if I had you would have likely known there and then that I really wanted you and that you were worth it to me

I remember that you put me in the RR Subreddit after that and it continued to go downhill from there as I desperately tried to fill the void

Ultimately though, that only resulted in much more pain for myself and deepened my insecurities and lack of willingness to trust others

I still remember the first time I tried coming back to you, how you were kind in letting me down and telling me that you had moved on

I still remember you telling me that if I really wanted you I would not have left you to begin with, though I really did want you I won't argue with you, I won't try to convince you, I know better

You have every right to believe that and I will not take that from you because you're right, I should have chosen to stay with you instead of running away

I cried after you turned me down and for a bit I did try to respect your wishes to move on and to learn from my mistakes and everything I did wrong

When I next tried to come back to you I had completely lost myself in my ego and in my desire to be with you and unfortunately as the dreams predicted I only chased you further away, to the point that you will have nothing to do with me

Not only had I gone against my word again, but that time around I wound up making you feel unsafe as I had said way too much and violated your privacy in my posts trying to get your attention

When you threatened that there would be consequences if I kept going I just stopped because I didn't want any more trouble

When you said the things you said to me reality hit and I realized that I had seriously messed up.

I have had a few attempts after that to try and patch things up with you and apologize to you, though looking back on it I still wasn't thinking things through properly given that I tried to use your username handle to directly mention you.