I am difficult to love largely because I don't allow myself to be properly vulnerable and I consistently hold onto trauma and past experiences and constantly expect to either be betrayed by a partner, left for someone better or scare them away

I am terrified of being cheated on and not being enough for someone due to my own mental disability and the fact I didn't develop proper social skills

I beg for love and then I give up on whoever wants to give me a try for the reasons stated above, if I am not betrayed I end up pushing and chasing away a potential lover and end up single and heartbroken again while remaining unsure if they were genuine

I am a submissive guy who wants to give himself to someone worthy, however I end up being extremely bratty and won't always listen or obey due to my own fears and insecurities of being hurt, used, taken advantage of or abandoned

If anyone can tell based on my previous posts I really only have been able to deem one person as genuinely worthy and even that is something I figured out for myself rather recently

My most recent relationship ended in failure in October because I had become consumed by my mistrust and my needs weren't being met

As a result I snapped and went on to verbally tear into my partner at the time demanding that she hurt me, cheat on me and telling her that I know she doesn't love me, care about me or really want me

I have never actually snapped at anyone like this before though in all honesty and I was genuinely feeling uncared for and unloved

Ultimately what broke things was that I decided to harm myself and she decided to end things

Regardless of how I felt I was not justified whatsoever in the way I handled things

Ultimately I am an unstable, untrusting, and pain addicted neurodivergent individual who will punish himself and push, chase and scare others away, giving up on them and all to regret it all and hate being single, lonely and unloved

All the whileI will also be the person who fears anyone doing anything to hurt me, push me away, give up on me, abandon me, etc.