So, I am a 26M currently residing in NJ

4 or 5 years ago I was in a long distance relationship with someone who is very special to me, someone who left an everlasting mark on me

Yeah, I know that I have already posted this ad nauseam for the past few days

It's just that I really do love her and wish I had her back, this post isn't about that though

This post is intended to highlight my issues.

I pretty much refuse to trust or believe anything a partner or romantic interest says to me

I have a tendency to not listen and make excuses

I have a temper and will occasionally self harm

I am known to throw away friends and lovers to spite and punish myself out of anger or sadness

I have a habit of giving up too easily

I have more than a difficult time controlling my emotions and my negative thoughts

I view anyone who gets with me as wanting anything and everything from me but not me myself

I beg for love just to deny it or throw it away when I have it often stating I don't deserve it

I have some level of mental instability and have some yandere-like tendencies

In recent years I have become narcissistic and likely even nihilistic

I did not develop with a proper social background earlier in life and cannot really make proper conversation to get to know partners

I have a habit of holding my partners to the sins and pains others have done to me

I am on the autism spectrum, Asperger's, higher functioning and yet some things are entirely disconnected and were from the very beginning

I have no confidence in myself or others

I tend to seek validation from friends and love interests

If I feel I'm not getting enough attention I have a habit of acting out to get it

I am often close-minded and usually don't want to try new things or venture out of my safety and comfort zone

I probably have other issues that contribute to my failures and lack of success in relationships that keep me feeling lonely, numb and hollow.

I tried therapy earlier in the year and it did not work for me and only served to further stress and upset me which indicates that I am likely avoidant to some level on top of everything else.