I have no idea how to start this off and I feel too overwhelmed to make a long essay so I've opted to separate each problem on my mind right now into paragraphs (in not particular order) to make it easier to understand

Some Background info: I'm 18M, I'm from a very conservative area of the US, and I'm a closeted gay guy. I'm generally a quiet introvert and I've never been great at articulating my emotions and reaching out for help.

Feeling left behind: sometimes I wonder why I even try to initiate friendships or relationships cause I feel like I'll inevitably be abandoned

Adulting: ever since I was pretty young, I was scared of becoming an adult which is ironic because I always tried to act more mature for my age and often wouldn't let myself be a kid. Right as I was starting to find my groove and make most of childhood years, covid happened. The pandemic and social isolation caused my confidence to diminish and my recovering social anxiety got worse again. And then, after I got used to normal life and adjusted yet again, I was all the sudden turning 18. Adulthood hit me hard and I was never really prepared for it...I feel like I don't belong in the "adult world". This feeling has effected most aspects of my life. I feel too stupid to look for another one or to seek higher education, I can't handle arguments and advocating for myself, and I take everything said to me to heart. It's like the adult chip in my brain didn't activate.

Home life/feeling trapped: I was raised by my mom and my dad has never been in the picture. Feeling unwanted by him has most likely contributed to my feelings of inadequacy and my abandonment issues. My mom did a good job raising me but didn't have much time with me growing up due to her demanding work schedule at the time. She had me in her 40s so she couldn't do much with me so I'd usually spend the days in my own mind or watching TV. Now that she's older it's a little frustrating because I'm her only child who wholeheartedly takes care of her. I go with her everywhere and do all the chores but I'd like to get a job. Every time I've brought up getting one she's talked me out of it, I feel like I'm going to be trapped here forever and I don't wanna confront her on it because I enjoy taking care of her and don't want to seem ungrateful

Relationships: I decided to try online dating a few months ago and It hasn't gone well. An effort to cure my loneliness just made it worse lol. I've been ghosted for no apparent reason like 50 times, some men want to use me to see if they're gay, and most don't last. But for some reason I continue and I wish I could just find someone to be there. Even just a close friend I could talk serious with would be nice but even that feels unobtainable. and I wanna stop feeling like I need a man to feel happy. In all honesty, sometimes I wish I was straight so I could just easily find someone without having to practically sneak around.

I just want things to get easier, but I feel like they never will sometimes. All the issues mentioned here combined with everything going on in the world has made these last few months a nightmare. If anymore has advice or tips, feel free to comment or DM. I'm not sure what I want to come out of this post but I hope if other people who are in the same boat see this, they feel less alone. Thank you all for reading