Just an open letter rolled up in a bottle drifting in the ocean... Life goes on and we just live. People are astonished when I tell them I went more than 20 years without a relationship or sex. Why? Isn't there a stereotype that marginalizes people like me? Regardless, it's my mind, my life, and no one else went through it except me and I do not expect anyone to empathize. I will share if anyone wants to know. For the sake of ease, let's say I'm talking about a normal person, and for some, this will sound jaded. That's fine, this is just an observation. People say you have to love yourself before you can love another. Makes sense, but as with most things, this is not as simple when practiced in real life. I did this. I told myself that it was unfair of me to carry any amount of limerance before dating again as it would be unfair to a partner to not devote all of my heart and soul. Well, I am lucky when it comes to loving myself as the voice in my head that is my conscience is a good friend; it always has been. But what if it takes over 20 years to free yourself of the thought of someone you once loved? I was patient and I was diligent not to get involved with anyone, even just as friends, to keep from letting anyone down, including myself. In hindsight, I can share that there is no increased benefit in doing this, save maybe that I know myself just a little better. It's, in reality, a loss. The world changed in the 20 years and when I thought I was ready to mingle again, I was woefully unprepared. In that time most potential mates went through multiple marriages and kids. I was dismissed and even ridiculed for not having been through the same. In that time people just added more and more baggage while I was shedding mine. They had been caught up in multiple addiction cycles and some developed and maintained multiple mental disorders. Now it's not like I did not accumulate any bad habits while being alone for so long, but not like others did. If I had to diagnose myself for an explanation, I'd say I was just too sensitive a person for anyone in this modern age to empathize, put up with, or help without being paid to do so. I get that. When you fall in love with someone, like the way I do, you put all the eggs in that one basket. And that's wrong but maybe not for the reason most would suspect. I'd say it feels wrong to want to be so involved and so much a part of someone else's life; it's too much to ask.