Today is 8/2/24 I am a 30m living I’m Michigan suffering from depression. I have lost my confidence and almost all ambition for life and everyday contemplate leaving this earth. I told my therapist I don’t need to be on any watch or list because I am too chicken to unalive myself . Something in me won’t allow it, I find it crazy because I’m scared to go to hell even though it seems like we live in it already. I try to explain to people how I feel and it’s usually greeted with silence or a “ you’ll be ok”. I guess I will be since I’m still here but when does it end? When does the loneliness stop? I have children and family around but still feel alone. I get up and keep going because I think about my kids and the people that do depend on me, but I question a lot. “Who can I depend on?” Who can I text or call just to vent to or just to help feel not alone? We are all trying to succeed in a harsh world so I understand why people don’t have the time for each other, inyet i have spent a lot of my life being that person , I try my best to never deny anyone conversation or my presence if needed, sometimes I feel like I made a mistake in life by worrying about others too much instead of worrying and loving myself. But I don’t know how to stop considering I like the way it feels to help someone. I know if I unalived myself I would be leaving my kids even though they have great mothers that will take care of them, I also think about my uncle who would be pretty upset with me, I can hear him saying it’s a selfish act. But is it also selfish to want someone to stay and live in suffering? For years with no feeling of hope? Is it selfish to just not want to feel pain anymore? Or just want a hug or someone to be there and they just won’t?