I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what is wrong with me, I don’t know what to fix, and I don’t know why I am everyone’s person to take advantage of.

I really wish I could just say “Yeap that is not a good trait to have. we need to work on that before we get into a relationship”. I have changed my toxic traits and will always change my toxic traits. But no matter how much I change people will always point out something wrong with me that they don’t like. The way I sleep, the way I talk, the way I look (which fair enough I am very ugly). And each person gives a different reason. It is never repeated (except my looks that is a very common occurrence). I have been single for 2 years. 2 years of talking with someone from an app only for me to carry the conversation. 2 years of people using my body just because I think that will make them want to stay. 2 years of consideration just self deleting myself because I know there is no one out there who will ever WANT me. No one has proved me wrong on that statement. Is it nihilistic? Yes. Is it bad to think that way? Yes. Do I have any reason to believe the statement otherwise? No, no reason at all.

It is just me. There are days where I wish I never spoke up about anything. Where I could just be the perfect person for someone, just so they are happy. I don’t care if it would hurt me, I would at least have a partner. I am at that stage where I can’t tell the difference between someone doing something nice and someone trying to get with me.

TW: Abuse I would do anything to make someone else happy. Want to hit me if you’re had a bad day? Thats ok. Want to take everything out on me? Got it. There are even times I wish I was with the guy who r@ped me just so I could have someone. I just want anyone who will take me.

I am sorry to anyone who wasted your time reading this garbage.