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The world is not as it seems. It's hard to describe. It's a bad analogy, but let's say there is a fence. Sometimes things look better on the other side. Then let's say you cross over the fence only to find where you were was better. Everyone knows this but never talks about what happens afterward. Once you have been on both sides, where does one go? What does one aspire to then? All the what- ifs don't matter anymore. As for me, all I have is an elderly cat, a friend from high school I can only play video games online with because we are too different to do anything else, and my mother that lives very, very far away. No SO, no kids, no good neighbors, no fair-weather friends, ... nothing. I must be lucky. The voice in my head is not too mean and I am able to live in introspection almost peacefully. But here is where I must stay. When it feels like you've been down all the paths from here, there is no where else to go. I do not know of, nor have I met anyone in my situation. I hang on to the last insignificant bits of novelty left for dear life. I do not know if I am thriving despite the circumstances, or just surviving. I have no sounding board to tell. I am not bad looking, I am not indigent, and as far as I know I am not dying immiediately from any disease. None of these things actually help: I seem approachable, but I find folks quickly lose interest. I have a job and financial ethic that help me maintain a house and a car, but that's just a convienience that was inherent in basic goals I set out for myself. Always got my health, but suspect that won't last forever. Trust me, I know there are a lot of things about me that most would not like, but I also know there are a few out there that can overlook those things to benefit from what I really am underneath it all.. No one really puts in the effort to go that far though. Who can blame them. You'd literally have to be stuck in an elevator with me on the verge of death just to be provided the opportunity. This is what grace looks like. I do and mean no harm under any circumstances. The world and those in it push really hard to mess with me at every second and at every turn, and thats ok now. I understand I am just an easy target for everyone that needs an easy target. Trust me, there are a lot out there. If I ever meet anyone that is far along the path as I and needs some help... I will be there.
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- 4 months ago
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