Just doing the usual bedtime routine (read a book, scroll social media, etc) then it hits me again - the loneliness when I lay my head down on my pillow. I’ve had one boyfriend, 2 physical FWB (minus the friends part looking back now), few ONS, & 3 online only FWB (again, 2 out of the 3 were minus the friends part).

Sad thought crossed my mind that I’ve never truly experienced love or what it’s like to have a boyfriend/loml. Every time I give a guy the benefit of the doubt, I end up looking like a fucking idiot and the FWB starts again. I know better but keep doing it. I just want to know what it feels like for a guy to see me for me and want to be seen and hold my hand in public, kiss me in public, etc. someone who can’t get enough of me like I, with them. I’m sad that if I end up getting married or having kids that my parents won’t be alive to see that I’m okay.

idk if I’m making any sense at all or where I was going with all that