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I had sex with this Chinese migrant that worked at a massage parlor and barley spoke english, who I didnt even find attractive, because I was lonely, depressed, mentally ill and had low self esteem and didnt think I was good enough to be with a girl.
It was the worst decision I have made and words cannot describe how utterly disgusted, ashamed, and pathetic I feel.
The damage has already been done.
I feel 10 times worse and it has even given me a huge grudge. I know its not her fault but I can't help but detest her.
I am sick of people telling me "everyones first time is bad" and yeah, I get it.
But other peoples "first times" were at least with a girlfriend, a cute girl they met at a party, college, a dating app, etc who they were mutually attracted to and had a connection with.
just because the sex was a little awkward, people say their first time was "bad".
mine was fucking pathetic and disgusting. I dont think I will ever have sex again or even try to date
I try telling myself that it "doesnt count" but its too late.
Oof, well, the 2nd and 3rd did the same basically, just to a lesser degree (statutory, coercion/persistance, intimidation). I suppose I'm not even sure, so I should probably dissect that. Thank you for saying that.
Hey, thank you for that. It set me up to continue to be preyed on by men at least 10 years older than me two more time after that. Finally as I entered my 20s I began dating guys my own age and there have been less incidents. None have ever been as bad as that first time. I should have put him away but I thought he liked me and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it was a misunderstanding that happened and we would get past it. I didn't understand this was a grown man deliberately SA'ing a minor. This was no miscommunication. He disappeared not long after. I was actually SAD, thinking another guy had rejected me. That's how low my self esteem was, how rejected by most people I felt and how lonely I was. I was sad to stop getting attention from my rapist, who was 25 when I was 15. I'm still unraveling it and I'm 34 now. Appreciate your words.
He took something for sure, an innocence
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My "first" raped me and gave me HPV. It really is rough out here.