Feeling incredibly lonely again, and I just can't sleep. I can't stop myself from physically aching from having no affection or hugs. Being untouched for so long feels like it's just eating away at me.

I can't help myself from thinking about my past relationship I left. I'm tired, but laying alone with my thoughts feels like a worse torture than ruining my sleep schedule yet again. I'd rather wait until I am bordering on passing out than click my phone off and lay there alone.

Sometimes I wish my ex would somehow find these posts. Not because I want them to hurt, but because I know how kind they are, and I know they are one of the people who would actually give a shit on a personal level.

I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I feel sort of close to my sister, but not my parents, ans currently not even really my friends. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable being truly vulnerable with. My vulnerability with the people I know feels calculated. I only let out what I mean to, not the whole picture.

Just enough to feel slightly better.

Instead I post here, because there is no weight in casting these words out to strangers. It doesn't go to anyone I have to face, knowing they know the truth.

I am on medication now which has done some good, helping my anxiety. I don't feel quite as overwhelmed. But deep down I know I'm still broken. I know I push away the good things in my life because I'm afraid of judgement. Any time I've tried to approach dating apps, I either push away the person because they seem damaged and I'm scared of what they'll do to me. Or they seem put together, and I'm scared of what I'll do to them.

I don't want to infect someones life again, I'd rather just accept the pain before and take it all myself. Shove it deep down and add to the weight on my chest.

I long for the day I meet someone who refuses to let me go, who won't let me run away, who will finally force me to be open, and let all of it out. Maybe then I could heal.