I feel so small. My family is so loving and caring, supposedly, but I still feel at the bottom of the totem poll 24/7. I get talked over, made fun of, laughed at, and I don't even know why I open my mouth to give suggestions. I know they care though, immensely. They'd miss me if I were gone

I think about my times in college a lot. There was one girl there that really MADE college for me. Without her, the amount of happy memories I'd have from it would be low single-digits. She literally lit up my world when I was there, and all that was crushed when COVID came around. I've never been drawn to someone like I was to her, even though I wouldn't date her because it would never last (conflicting viewpoints that would make us being together impossible). I try to live in those happy memories, but it just taints my feelings now. I was so innocent then. I hadn't even dated anyone at that point. I hadn't gone through all the abuse to come yet. I just wish I could return to then

And yet I still try to look to the future, but seriously what's the point? Everyone I've seriously talked to either ghosts me or just uses me and throws me away like abused napkin. I can feel it in my bones - I was MADE to be with someone and make them happy. Being a father and a husband in the future is INGRAINED into every part of me. I've literally been talking about it since I was like 3. So why is it now that I feel so defeated? I mean, there's the obvious abuse I went through, but I mean past that - shouldn't I be able to get past that? Would it be any better if I DID find someone that was genuine in this horrible dating culture today? Surely I know that's true, since my mental state was vastly more positive when I was in a relationship, even when I was being abused, but I feel like it'll never happen with the people that are out there today

I just don't want to be here anymore. Why even try when nothing in my life has gone right since I was 17? I literally can't think of a SINGLE good thing that has just happened to me since then, or anything that has actually made me happy. It's been six years of misery and I just want it to end. I'd really like that to be with me hitting a stoke of luck for literally once in my life, but the alternative really is looking more appealing every day