I feel like I'm in this weird mix of being overly honest, while still being dishonest. I am okay sharing places like this, but when trying to date (which arguably I shouldn't even be attempting, I am just so lonely) I fins myself unable to just be blunt and say "I am doing very bad, I am very depressed, and just really desire some companionship, understanding, and care."

The way I see it, why would someone looking to date want to just comfort some big baby like me? People are looking for enjoyable experiences, and talking and helping someone with depression isn't that. I've been told I'm overly negative and it's draining, but all I'm trying to do is just be truly honest about how I'm doing.

I can't get through this on my own, I've been doing my best, but the truth is with how I am, I just need someones help. I need someone who will give me a hug, listen, and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I need some love, but that rules out platonic care for me as it's just not the same as a partner.

But I am so terrified of commitment I can't even attempt to find that. I'm so terrified of being honest about what I need.

So I end up matching on app, chatting for a day or two, then saying its too much and that I'm sorry, and unmatching, only to repeat the same cycle.

I make post on r4r for my city in the hopes of finding something like this, since it's more open than specifically dating, but it doesn't go well, and it's not really the right place.

I can't meet people organically because I don't do anything, because I hate doing stuff alone. I don't want to say I "can't" just more that I know I "won't"

I have terrible social anxiety, depression, ocd, and executive dysfunction. I am working on getting a diagnosis and possibly getting on medication so maybe things will change, but with how I am not, and how I've been for years and years and years. I cannot get out of this by myself, but lack the ability to find the help I need.

I'd go to therapy but I can't afford it, and to get the benefits to afford it, I'd have to destroy my mental health entirely in the process.

My soul aches so bad and I don't know what to do anymore.