I’m just so lonely that I hate every moment I’m not talking to someone. But every conversation always ends because they lose interest or we just don’t connect. It’s obviously me that is the problem so I’m not gonna blame others. I’m not interesting and I’m pretty weird in unexciting ways. I’m just not able to be that connection for anyone. All I want is for someone to love me when they have no reason to other then they love my company and to be a priority in life. Someone who when they make plans, I’m at the front of there minds to make them with rather then me needing to force myself into them or being invited as an afterthought.

I had a friend for a bit who complained she had no one to connect with at all. And then she showed me her dating profile of a bunch of guys she was talking with. She also had a guy she became good friends with and the only reason she hung out with me was because he lived in another country. He was always a priority when it came to anything we did. I know it’s an unhealthy and “incel” way of thinking but I am so jealous of how easy it is for women to find someone to talk to. I know they deal with creeps and guys trying to use them, but at least they also find the good guys to connect with sometimes. I reach out and searched a lot online and in person with very little reciprocation. And it’s not anyone’s fault but my own, I’m just not someone who is good looking or easy to connect with.

So I’m trying a new approach. some people are destined to be alone with no happy ending. Some people are not going to find that real connection. No more trying because it just hurts when they leave every time. It hurts to be alone, but maybe I’ll learn to just be okay with it. I’m gonna self improve and maybe become someone interesting and get rid of my jealous and awful thought patterns. Maybe I’ll even learned to be happy with the person I am. But I’m done trying to find someone to connect with. Nobody wanted me as I was so no one will deserves me if I do become someone interesting. Or at least that is what I’m gonna tell myself.

I don’t know. I just wanted to vent one last time. I think I’m done with Reddit and the internet as well. None of this makes me happy anymore.