I used to romanticise it, being a lone wolf, but now its literally engrained in my existence. I find interest in a lot of things that more or less cannot be shared passionately nor for very long for those interested in understanding. I love art and photography and writing and more. But joining groups has led to many people being jealous or intimidated and have always eventually barred me from attending.

I rub my shoulders nearly hourly or give myself head massages and a colleague caught me always pressing my lips to the thumb ‘muscle’ in my palm, thinking i had a cut i was keeping clean. Little did i know, when i was doing it at home, i was subconsciously simulating a kiss. I learned that i was touch starved.

My profile isnt for the squeamish. But the longer i am on reddit the more i realise my wants and desires are never really responded to which makes it hard to connect. I tried going to lunches and gatherings of like minded people and they either gate kept or the men grew jealous and made up stories.

When i was younger i used to tag the streets, im thinking about taking it up again. Nothing unreadable like you see commonly. But questions and answers like ‘are you still looking for me?’ Or ‘where can we meet and fall in love?’ Romantic trash, i know. But it just hurts that a wall is more likely to take my soul than another person is willing to get to know it.

I live in a one bedroom apartment and i focus on myself endlessly. But ive been nothing but sexualised and used and groped since i live literally opposite a uni campus. I exercise so i go out in public and run the roads (lets be honest, WALK the roads). The same route for no longer than three months. And this has resulted in women stopping me or pulling over to get my number. I think what an amazing opportunity but only sigh when i meet with them and they’re already half naked. I just sigh and just let it happen because that’s how i get my touch in. And because im hungry for intimacy, i am told that i am way too good for my own good and have been bragged about like a cut of meat. But i think i keep posting about wanting it because that specific route has yielded somewhere close to what i crave.

I think my addiction to pornography was a result of just pure loneliness and it has drifted/cast my fantasies to be at the beheast of someone who may know what’s best for me because i genuinely have no idea if what i am reaching out for isnt manifesting in something real. Its getting dangerous that i submit myself to the harsher and outright horrific if it means i can have something true and i can satisfy enough that i can have something be given back.

I fantasise a lot. I write stories or draw erotic pictures about how a romantic dinner would go with me being as honest, funny, and interesting as possible and leading to making love and a morning full of laughter as if we had been married for years. Or being owned by a woman who would take care of me and be a sort of benefactor for my art. I want to write an erotica for this and hopefully get it published.

My art is pretty much what saves me. I give myself over to the muses in the hopes i get even their company as the old philosophers and storytellers did. I do everything i can to create in order to have more tangible loves in my life. And things i can look back on with pride. I want to start businesses and youtube channels and film skits and help with cosplay creation. But im always paired with people that lack competence, not as passionate or engaged, or have actually stolen from me once i overwork to pay for everything myself.

I dont know where im going with this. I just thank this community for existing and letting me vent. If im going to exist alone then i will exist truthfully. Lead with honour, follow with soul.