2023 was a rough to say the least. I’m not sure this the place to project this, so forgive me if it is in the wrong place. But in the beginning of the year I had, what I deemed to be everything. I feel that love, is everything in the world. We all need more of it. And I have, or had so much of it to give.

Now I left an 8 year relationship because it wasn’t good for me. And my mental health. While I know this was probably a healthy decision it is tough. We were also non monogamous (I know how this complicates things trust me) and I met someone who made me feel something I had never felt before. In 8 months she awakened something in me, gave me all the love I could ask for and was such a beautiful soul. Then, with a lot going wrong in her life she also left. Just saying it wasn’t me, it was her. She had too much going on and couldn’t be with me at that time. There’s so much more detail but I truly loved this woman. I believe she’s moved on and probably found someone who was perfect for her and probably better than me.

So here I exist. Making jokes, making others laugh and smile when I can. Trying to be positive. To make myself better. Eating right, getting my finances in order, going to the gym being healthy. Going to therapy, focusing on work. Telling myself that everything happens for a reason. But really I blame myself. I think this is all my fault. I’m not good enough. Hating my overthinking and my mind. Not loving enough, not memorable enough. I wish I could just run away, leave my phone and everything behind and start again. Would anyone miss me? No one does now so why would they?

I’m just, tired. And I get it now when people say that. I used to think people that said that line in movies just meant they were giving up. Or that they were ready to die. But being tired is so much worse than that. I don’t even know that I can describe it other than I am just tired.

Of my thoughts, of myself, of just all of it. Part of me knows I should be alone to come back better. But being alone is hell. And I wish everyone a safe trek through it.