Hi everyone, tldr;

I'm a 32 year old male who got out of a 6 year relationship 13 months ago, live in the NYC area. I'm a smart guy, and have a decent job, pretty good looking and live by myself. Here's my story: I grew up in a middle class home on Long Island, but near the city. My parents always worked, and I had friends, and the usual experience growing up with friends, etc.

In college, I stayed local, and partied a lot, it took me around 7 years to graduate instead of 4, but somehow I graduated with a Computer Science degree. I didnt go away to school, but rather worked my way through school. I had friends, and worked a job, but was less "Privileged" per se than my peers around me, who were lucky enough to go to school away.

I met the first love of my life at around age 20, and we dated for four years through college. She left me after four years for another guy, which really stung. I was in a dark period in my life, living at home, almost done with school, it was a rough summer. I met my ex girlfriend in August of 2015, we dated for a long time. In May of 2016, I got into a bad car accident that was close to taking my life, but thankfully, I survived it. Unfortunately, we broke up in August of that year, but we reunited in 2017.

In 2018 I finally graduated college, and found that I tended to do much better in the workforce than I ever did in school. I got a job at a bank doing IT and I worked my way up from $45,000 a year to $110,000 a year in 4 years. I worked this job, and lived with my ex girlfriend for around three years. Unfortunately at this time, I started gambling and lost some money, and ultimately after a long time dating her, she left me. I was devastated, literally dating this girl from age 24/25 to age 31.

Here I was 13 months ago, almost broke, forced to move back in with my parents. I started paying down my debt, and I started dating a girl, who I had really really intense feelings for. We got into a "situationship" for around 4 months, before she left me on Valentines day of last year. I also started doing a lot of self care during this time, such as working out, eating clean, I got some muscle for the first time in my life after hitting the gym almost daily which felt incredible, and found that it was getting pretty easy to get matches on dating apps.

I went a step further, and in March of this year, wanting a career boost, got a job at a Hedge Fund in NYC, levering the NYC pay to my advantage. I got a job at one with a $140,000 a year salary, which is great for a single guy and been employed there since. In July of this year, I moved near the city, into a small, but spacious, non luxury one bedroom apartment.

All of my friends live back home, and I'm far away from them, so fairly isolated. I traveled to California and did a west coast tour by myself this summer which was incredible. My job also is fairly solid. However, at the age of 32, after multiple situationships since my last relationship, I feel stuck in life, unsure where I'm going, like I have no purpose, and like a pure failure.

I'm lonely, I have no friends that I know, I literally moved to a new city on the outskirts of NYC, and I'm not really involved in the social crowds. I go out to work at 5:30 in the morning, come home at 6PM at night after busting my ass all day, go to the gym sometimes, then open up dating apps, to get hot matches often, but most of the conversations end up no where, while I do get dates, and have gotten laid a lot this summer, I feel empty.

I feel almost like I dont know how to make new male friends, my old identity is completely wiped away, and I feel sad on the inside. I feel alone, burnt out, disgusted with life, and like I should have a house by now. Instead, i"m working a fairly decent job paying off debt, which I'll be done paying off in about 12 months. While I get dates on dating apps, there's lots of ghosting, attractive women frequently randomly ghost even after good banter and I literally know no one where I live.

is this normal? I feel like my identity is completely shattered, like I do not even know who I am anymore. I feell like I am living to go to work, make money, pay off my debt slowly, get laid once or twice a month, and go to the gym, like a hamster on a wheel just rinse, recycling and repeating.

I also have met some nice girls despite all the ghosting on dating apps, but I feel like i'm emotionally paralyzed, almost like I'm permanently "emotionally unavailable" from getting fcked over by life.

I'm not trying to cause a pity party for my self, I just feel disgusted with myself and with my life. I feel like it's possible of course that I may have depression ,but its hard to tell if its from my environment, my genetics or both. Im going to see a doctor to address it regardless, and I'll keep working out.

Has anyone ever felt like me? I feel lost, alone, like I"m just going through the motions of life, like I'll never find the love of my life again, and like I'm just wasting my existence on the outskirts of NYC to be a worker bee to get drunk one night a weekend and get laid then do it all over again.

I know things need to change. I just don't know where to start first. I feel completely lost. Thanks for listening. The pleasure I once got out of things are no longer as existent. I feel more numb to things in life. I feel like a lot of pleasures dont give me the same level of pleasure as they once did. This applies to sex, talking to women, chasing hobbies, etc.

I feel like I'm just out here blowing in the wind, with no direction, no aim, and no clue what I'm doing. I feel sad, I go to sleep by myself, wishing my reality was different.