Im in my early adulthood and have been struggling with undiagnosed health issues that have been causing attachment and isolation issues ontop of moderate depression and anxiety.

Ive been trying to find ways to manage it on my own and ive mentally prepared myself to try and socialize again sense ive been isolated from people besides close relatives for awhile now.

I took the step to communicate with a relative about what ive been going through and they and a few others suggested to visit other places and so i decided to visit one of my relatives and we have been planning it for some months now.

Its currently around the time i had planned to visit and it was supposed to be earlier however it was pushed back due to financial issues(EDIT: They mentioned they were covering travel costs for me for so i was being patient since they offered that out of the kindness of their heart). My relative also works a lot so its hard to get a hold of them at times and thats something im very understanding of as i know people have lives and gets busy sometimes.

Its been awhile since i talked to them about making arrangements for me to go visit and ive been trying my best to be patient but to be honest ive been started to get a little sad and losing hope.

I found out recently that another relative of theirs were visiting them currently from out of state(forgot to mention im out of state as well). Finding out about this has brought up feelings i dont want to feel because i feel they are problematic.

I couldn't help but feel abandoned, deeply depressed, and super lonely.

I feel like i shouldn't have these feelings because its not a big deal for them to have others visit them when they have other people that care about them. But i think these feelings stem mostly from being in the dark about if ill get a chance to see them or even have some support with breaking out of isolation.

I rarely talk to anyone about what i have going on mentally because most of the time people dont acknowledge me when i try to speak uo about my mental health.

I feel like the more i write this the more it may seem like this may be stupid to bring up. Sll i know is that this has made me feel pain and im hurt by this and trying process it. Im not even made at this relative. Im just hurting and maybe this just triggered me and opened a traums wound or something.

This was supposed to be me trying to not only see someone i care about but also take the steps to build connections again with people in the world and try to heal as i need a change of environment to do so.

I may try to find another way to do that cause i know its my responsibility to do that and when things have the possibility of falling through its up to me find alternatives. Even if those alternatives is very slim for me.

I want to try to shake this feeling so i can move on and not be a bad person. Because i feel like one for just having them. Im likely gonna stay quiet and wait for my feelings to subside.

I feel so emotionally alone its unbearably painful to sit through each day alone. Sometimes i feel crazy and that my thoughts are straight delusions and that im just making up stuff. And even though i do have a few people that are suppotive and understanding and will listen if i need to talk, they have lifes and can't be around all the time which is normal. Even though thats is the truth i hate that i still feel depressed in the times between me speaking to them.

Its like even though its a little support its still like its no one truly there.

Im still sitting in a space by myself for hours on end like im locked to a padded room in an asylum but the padded room is my mind and my space. And no matter how much i scream or even if im calm and collected and ask for a way out. Im just ignored. Maybe sometimes intentionally. But most times its unintentional. I think thats what makes this so scary is the unintentional.

I probably am in the wrong for having these feelings over a simple thing or mistake but i had to get this off my chest. I still love my relative and am not upset with them. Im just hurting is all.