So i've been lurking on this sub for a while, don't remember exactly how long (it's been a few months I think). I've been debating about putting up a post ever since I joined, since there's some things going on that I feel I need to openly acknowledge in order to begin working on them. I understand that others have much more serious issues that are probably more worthy of putting a post about and this pales in comparison, but I figured i'd put it up. It is long, so please bear with me.

A bit about myself: i'm a 25 year old male based in Australia. I'm currently studying a Master's degree while teaching at the university I did my bachelors from. I'm honestly not lacking in anything, as I have friends, good colleagues, and people who I am close to. I've also been told that i'm quite charismatic and easy to get along with. I am a lot more emotionally intelligent now(thankfully), and have been told that by people who have known me since the start of my bachelors. So far so good, yeah?

But that's where the problem lies.

Despite all this, and despite the fact that I have all these people who care a lot about me, I almost always feel extremely isolated. Even when i'm surrounded by my friends.

A bit of a background, I struggled with severe depression since the start of highschool (i wasn't aware I was depressed then, but realised I was when I started going to therapy in uni) and had lots of suicidal thoughts over the years. I never acted on them out of sheer spite, which did help, I guess. Throughout my Bachelors, I really struggled with my mental health (a few things in particular really messed it up) but after I started my Masters, I kinda mellowed out. Honestly though, I just think I got desensitized to the constant negative feelings, because no matter how I think about it, there's no way I could go from being a constant wreck to, well, very put together. It just doesn't make sense.

I have been in two relationships before, and both started and ended in a very similar way. I met them both through my bachelors degree, and knew them irl as friends for a few months before we started dating. Even the breakup exchange was eerily similar - both of them just mentioned they had no feelings for me anymore, and hadn't for a while. My first breakup was like a month after I came back to Australia (we had done long distance for the three months prior and were excited to reunite) and my second one was after around a year and a half ish of long distance (due to both of us being stuck outside australia due to travel restrictions). Which, completely fair and understandable, long distance is hard and taxing. For both we broke up over text, (my second ex broke up with me while I was in the middle of my first meeting with my supervisor for my major masters project - i do find this to be funny now, but eveyone I have told this story to has reacted with a lot of concern, which makes me think that i'm probably using humour as a coping mechanism here). My first breakup happened during the start of Covid in Australia and the resulting lockdowns (April ish 2020), and my second breakup happened while I was at home in my country (couldn't return to Australia due to travel restrictions - march ish 2022). I was with my parents at the time while studying remotely, but neither of them knew I was in a relationship (would just have led to a lot of drama so I hadn't told them). In both cases, although I did have support from friends, I mostly kinda dealt with it myself. These relationships were doomed to fail from the start I guess, since they both started with me serving as a sort of therapist for my exes - which I realise now, really took a toll on me. Also made me realise that my exes fell for me because I was literally the only source of emotional support they had at the time. As they got better and found healthier ways to cope with things, they kinda just didn't really need me anymore. It makes logical sense, but still does hurt a bit. Logically, I know I have learnt and matured a lot from these relationships, so I am grateful. But emotionally - it just feels like i've wasted a lot of time and effort on someone who never truly cared for me. I know that's not the case, but it sure as hell feels that way.

Back onto the topic at hand - I guess as a result, I keep everyone at an emotional distance. If I do open up, I do so in a way where I can still be honest with them and talk about how I feel - but I talk about my feelings and past experiences as if i'm some third party looking onto them from a distance, so it's not true emotional vulnerability, just dressed up to look like it. Idk if that makes sense, but I hope it does. It's something i'm trying to work on constantly, but it sure as hell ain't easy.

As much as I hate to, I do have to admit that I feel horribly lonely. Almost everyone I know has been in a stable relationship for a while, and a lot of the people I went to highschool with are already married. I'm focusing more on myself and my career, and it's starting to pay off. But i honestly feel like i'm just going to spend my life alone. I really hate to admit it, but I long for a deep, genuine romantic connection with someone. The problem is that I don't think i've properly dealt with the emotional impact of how my past relationships ended, and I don't think i'm in a headspace where i'm capable of being a good partner because of how emotionally distant I am. I've tried my hand at dating but I can't even get a date (dating apps really haven't helped). I've had a few interactions with girls who seemed interested in being friends, but then just ghost. Which again, fair enough, that's how online interactions work. Still kinda stings, though.

When I was really struggling with depression, I used to think i'd die alone - because I felt like I didn't deserve love. I look at myself in a much healther way now, and understand that I have a lot to offer as a potential partner. But I still can't shake off the feeling that i'll probably never really get rid of this severe feelings of isolation, or find that emotional, romantic comnection I long for. I've accepted that for the most part, I still have other goals and things I need to work towards, and I do have all the other bonds with friends and co workers.

But some days I just can't deal with these feelings of isolation. It really wears me down.

If you've read through till the end, I appreciate it. I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to put all of this into tangible words and out somewhere. I'm half expecting a bunch of people here to yell at me cause these problems I have pale in comparison to what some other people are going through, and I can understand that.

I hope you all are having a decent day. Thank you for your time.

EDIT: Clarified a few things about past relationships that were unclear before, apologies.