This post will mostly deal with non-predatorial DMing. I suspect the reason some people send unsolicited DMs relates to a few factors. Someone may have read another person’s post and found that a whole lot of that post really resonated with them. They may prefer to DM rather than reply on the subreddit because they want a conversation but a more private one so that they can share past experiences and traumas that they may not be comfortable sharing publicly in the subreddit (and yes there is the flip side of people feeling that their privacy has been disturbed by receiving a DM in the first place); they might be seeking a connection and worry that simply replying in the subreddit may mean their voice is lost among the other replies or that their attempt at interaction will be otherwise unlikely to succeed (for a truly lonely person every failed attempt at contact, especially when they perceive that they might be contacting someone on the same “wavelength” as them, can have a pretty depressing effect); they may fear commenting publicly and then feeling shamed if their post is ignored, downvoted, or if they see every reply being upvoted except theirs (the voting system can be incredibly toxic when it comes to people who’ve already experienced rejection and are trying to be heard/accepted); or they may be tired of superficial conversations that never go anywhere and be hoping that DMing might provide a more one on one conversation environment where they’re not having to constantly battle for attention. There are probably other reasons, but these are just a few off the top of my head.

People can be in situations where they don’t know what they want; they may crave love but not feel that they’re good enough to be in a relationship due to, for example, health issues. They may be able to get some of the things they crave from a relationship, from a close friendship instead, but then be unsure whether they will be able to limit themselves to just friendship if the friendship suddenly gives them a whole lot of what they’ve been missing for so long and they can’t help but start to develop deeper feelings for the person they’re speaking with. Alternatively, they may have been damaged so many times that they long for a romantic relationship but can no longer bring themselves to trust anyone with their heart, and are instead hoping for friendship to fill the gap, but at the same time dream that they might find a friendship that naturally evolves into the safe and loving relationship that they’ve been craving for so long. Again, there are other possibilities as well.

I think in the end it comes down to individuals. I haven’t personally DMed anyone because of the whole male predator thing, and I don’t really want to make anyone feel uncomfortable that I’m sending them an unsolicited DM. What I potentially could do instead might be to reply in the sub Reddit that their post really resonates with me and ask if they’d be open to establishing a deeper friendship via DM. This of course carries the risk of feeling publicly humiliated and alienated if it goes wrong, but it’s a balancing act between that, potentially annoying someone with a DM, or watching the potential for interaction pass by completely. For a person in a good space with an available social network that may not matter much, but this is a subreddit for loneliness, and plenty of people here may not have a social network at all. Some may be here due to trying to recover from trauma, some may be here because it’s impractical to make friends in their physical lives. And yes, there are circumstances where this can happen.

Anyway, that’s just my two cents based on a few posts I’ve seen on this topic. It would be awesome if we could all try to be as tolerant and considerate towards each other as possible, and keep in mind that what may be acceptable and normal conduct for one person may not be that for the next. The following is probably not a new opinion to anyone (maybe none of this is) but politely informing a person that we aren’t open to a specific mode of communication, and that it’s not personal, might be the best way to approach uncomfortable communication advances in the first instance; any further persistent on the part of the initiator is disrespectful and would be grounds to report/block or whatever the Reddit equivalent of this is (apologies, I’m new to Reddit). Maybe saying whether we’re open to/seeking DMs or not when we make posts could improve the situation, but unfortunately this is not going to lessen the predation which is apparently rife here. It’s really sad, because so many people here could likely benefit massively from making one or two solid, valuable and reciprocal connections with people who understand the gnawing and relentless pain of loneliness. I know that’s the hope that led me personally to stumble across this particular subreddit at least. And in the case of people who want to remain open to DMs but don’t want the wrong kind, it can likely get really tricky and fatiguing when the majority of DMs coming in ARE the wrong kind. And then there’s the whole other issue of people feigning interest with the underlying goal of taking advantage of lonely individuals. It’s really sad, and unfortunately the internet is just a medium. Things are ultimately this way because people have made it this way : (.

Anyway, I have no idea if any of this is useful, I’m just expressing my personal thoughts based on some of the posts I’ve seen so far.

I hope you’re all doing okay : ).