my mind wanders I try to find ways to entertain my thoughts

everything is so still

motionless at least indoors it is

but there's no one to fall in love with

in the absence of others I have to turn to the internet and computers / screens
because I just don't know what else to do

it seems like there's so much conversation and life on the web but it might just be all pretend

I try to anyways to keep my mood of float eventually everything fails

and I am jaded and Lost in space without direction

i descend slowly into madness and I start messing with my thoughts and my emotions and I try to create some kind of virtual dream world with my imagination to feel like I'm somewhere else with other people

i really want to see a massage therapist perhaps I should spend more times outdoors but it's cold and and there's usually no one outside anyway

people might say get a dog I used to have a dog I was quite affectionate with it whenever we were together and I have rabbits but they don't have the range of interactions that humans do they are easier to feed and take care of than dogs

so many years sitting on the computers staring at screens gave me some kind of thought induced lobotomy

and I tried to keep some level of decency but i no longer care a part of me never did, most of me never did but there's a part of me that thought perhaps I would find someone because they would think I would be worth while if I put on a mask if I behave a certain way and slowly show the way I am when i am alone