And I always overestimate how much I have recovered. I am in a new (non-limerent) relationship, and the old LO feelings have suddenly resurfaced. In an attempt to be honest I told my new partner about my old LO. I should have clarified it as a mental illness. Now my partner feels inadequate and not special.

I tell myself I’m over it. But this person is in the center of my heart and seemingly will never leave or make ample room for those who actually care about me. And now I worry it will drive away my partner, who I really care for dearly. And feel grounded in a lot of ways when with her.

Almost every time I get a ketamine infusion (mental health clinic) and dissociate my LO comes up. The imprint of this person on my being is so strong that I have near death “simulations” and she is the first person to come up. I do think that the infusions help me to shift my focus however—from the grief toward unconditional love towards this person, never expecting to speak again. Forgive the incoherence. Thank you for listening.