I recently started a new job, and it started again. It always starts with the eyes. I looked into her eyes and thought I saw something I wanted.

I learned more about her. I learned about her favorite music, her hobbies, her ambitions. The day I noticed how her eyes light up and how her voice rises when she talks about something she likes, was the day I knew I was falling again.

I’m new to the idea of limerence, but well familiar with its effects. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine. Inside I knew she did not have interest in me — she never communicated anything so. But her relationship status was unsaid, so I let myself fall down the rabbit hole.

Then one day not so long ago, the confirmation came, and I knew she was not to be mine. I stopped falling in love and hit the ground. And all the wonderful possibilities I built up in my head crumbled to dust.

I’m hurting again, and even though I’ve felt this way before, it’s hard to get up.

I miss holding hands.