Over the pst six months I have come to realize that my issues with limerence all stem from a bad relationship with my mother and having a lack of close relationships (not too many deep friendships, but I do have a handful of close friends). I am currently on my 12th LO at 28 years old and the first was at 12 years old. Growing up I felt my mom never paid enough attention to me and would always buy me stuff to keep me busy. Since graduating college I noticed my mom doesn’t care about me the same way my friend’s mom’s do. She doesn’t call to check in and when I bring this to her attention she ridicules my feelings. Ive gone through major emotional stressors in grad school and my mom never bother to check in and ask how I was doing or how I was feeling. At times when I did ask for help I was faced with disrespect (ex. Mocking) first and then later she would sometimes give in and help. Aside from the lack of attention she is EXTREMELY defensive. I cannot talk to her about my problems with her and the issues we have in our relationship because she is good at making excuses or finds a way to blame me.

My last two LO’s went out of their way to help me and were so kind. They would call to check in and see how I was doing with everything in medical school. Which is something my mom never really did. I told my mom about one of the biggest exams in medical school and she asked about the exam. then, before I could answer, she was talking about some stupid fucking TV show. Some of the biggest events of my life she missed and brushed it off.

And honestly I am angry. I am angry I have a mother who doesn’t care about me and is always looking for what I can do for her and not the other way around. Angry I have a mother who is defensive and gives me the silent treatment when things dont go her way. I am angry that I dont even like my mom as a person and I dont like spending time with her because she makes me feel bad. I am angry that whenever I try to talk about how I feel, she makes me feel that what I am saying isn’t important to her/

And so, I have had 12 LOs, 10 of which have been women. Women who showed me the attention my mother never did.

what about you, i’m curious to know?