currently working offsite temporarily and saw this picture at the office.

We are in the last month of the year. 2023 has come and essentially is done. The Xs in this picture makes me think of this year month by month. How I wasted 12 months thinking of my LO (closer to 20 months in total). Day after day i continue to think about her. At the beginning of the year, it was us working together every single day in January which caused me to have wishful dreams about her every night, including naps after work. February I was planning to ask her out, only for it to go wrong when I went over my LOs house to meet her mother (who still checks in on me every month and "sees me as a daughter") that night which killed my plan of asking my LO out. March when we finally go on that lunch “date" that she pushed out for a month b/c of “work". I realized that we had nothing in common and saw that she was only seeing that lunch as a work related/mentorship lunch. Later that day I left for vacation, and thought about her then entire trip, wishing she could be the one I share the memories with. I return 10 days later and continue to think about her my entire spring. The limerence was so intense, I never even really got over my seasonal depression (and honestly I think ive been depressed every month of this year).

Around that time I started doing shrooms with a good friend. It was a way to get me out of the house, away from rotting in bed all day everyday while the rest of my classmates were partying, traveling, and having gatherings. Doing shrooms with my friend was probably the highlight of this vear Walking around the city for 6-8 hours, drinking lots of water because it was so hot outside, and having a distraction (chemical distraction lol) large enough to stop me from thinking of my LO for the day. Some of the biggest days of my life (matching into residency and graduating medical school, my graduation party my parents threw me) occurred this year, and my focus was on my LO. Would I see her at graduation? Would I get a picture with her? Would she show to my graduation party, even though she didn't RSVP?? These days I was supposed to be happy, but I was so anxious I continued to think about her over the summer, and as I laid in bed I knew I would look back on this time and be upset that I wasted it, but I was helpless.

I met a girl during pride month that I became infatuated with and she took my mind off my LO. Made me happy to know/remind me I could have feelings for someone else. It didn't end up working out and soon enough, I slipped back to wanting my LO. But there was a few things that happened where my LO hurt my feelings and I decided to be NC by August. But even so, with her mother calling me regularly, seeing her at work and her speaking to me, and taking care of patients together, this “NC" has been quite unproductive. I started to have stalker-like behaviors that a couple people pointed out in me. At first I didn't see it. But when I finally saw it for myself I stopped, and have continued to stop without fail.

Now im just stuck with thoughts wondering what she is doing and who she is doing it with (since she is now divorced). Wondering why she hasn't called to check in and realizing that all the times we did speak were probably forced and I didn't even realize it which makes me feels so very very embarrassed and pathetic.

I look at that picture and cannot believe that for all the days that have passed by I am still where I am about a year ago. Stuck in the same place and mindset, but with anger and disappointment at myself and my LO. I feel so hurt, but when we work together I don't let it show. I don't want to come off as bitter or unprofessional. But seeing her around honestly breaks my heart, gives me a pain combined with angst that can last for hours, distracting me from my work.