for the past two weeks my limerence has been very well controlled. I’ve been using a logical approach to focus on why i shouldnt be liking her which has really helped me see her in a less positive light. i think about her less and have been disciplined in not trying to see her/ showing up where she’ll be for the day/ staying around certain areas where ill likely run into her. even when i look at the photos on the hidden album (iphone) i don’t feel any emotion anymore so ive actually stopped looking for the past few days.

But yesterday we ended up working together (initially indirectly) to take care of a patient. I saw her in the hallway near the patient’s room and i started walking that direction to get to the elevator. She hears my voice when i answer a phone call (the nurse called the wrong doctor😡 )and starts speaking to me to ask questions about my patient. but if she had opened the chart she wouldn’t have needed to speak to me. I wrote a detailed note and if she read it we wouldn’t have need to speak. I just simply would’ve walked past her and not said anything. But of course i answered her questions respectfully and professionally, just slightly stern indicating that this is a pointless convo. she says thank you and i walk away without saying anything.

Ive said this to myself before, but i really i don’t want to see or speak to her again. It’s already bad enough she comes to my floor at work often to get to the cafeteria, and often I’ll see her for this reason. Just by walking around the hospital, i’ll see her in the elevator, operating room, or when i turn the corner & it is so soo frustrating. I don’t speak to her, even if she speaks, but seeing her is just as upsetting. i haven’t spoke to this woman since she asked me about her mom’s recovery from the surgery i assisted in. ~1month ago. and i only engaged in that conversation but in the context, she was the daughter of my patient ….

Now the limerence side of things makes me feel happy. i finally had a chance to speak to her face to face. She was wearing a new color of scrubs and looked really good in them lol. I miss her. FUCK

but this constant loop of making progress and then “relapsing” is getting old. It’s like i want to kill myself, in the sense of wanting to kill how i feel about her. I can’t leave my job without rearranging my entire field of work so i have to find a way to get used to it. having my mind be centered around limerence/LO is mentally exhausting on top of being a resident physician and doing mentally taxing work i don’t have time to entertain those feelings. I’m almost certain if I chose to do residency else where i’d be over her by now because all my other LOs ended by a outta site out of mind mentality. I chose to stay at this hospital because it’s close to my friends and family. I hate this shit.

what can i do? what do you suggest ?