Just a caveat here . . .this post might be really really destructive to one's ego . . .don't say I didn't warn you if you want to read further :)

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Just hanging out in Southern California right now and getting here took a monumental effort just to carve out a space for a short sabbatical to sit still, not doing much of anything and not going out and soliciting new business (while having hired someone part time in my home country managing business in my absence). . .

I spent the first couple of weeks going absolutely crazy insane unable to sit still watching money draining out of my account, constantly distracting myself with addictive habits or whatever. . .even going online and writing or checking social media I can see what a total distraction it has been as a way to avoid just sitting and being with the underlying emotions of boredom or feeling the anxiety coming up that I normally organize my whole life around not feeling.

The truth was I'd gotten to a point where I'd just lost interest in trying to keep this business model together I'd created (which had worked for a number of years) but no matter how hard I tried, it was not really working anymore and I had been avoiding the next "leap of faith" in business while loosing interest in the current model, letting things slide and non-confronting and neglecting certain responsibilities.

I could also see how any and all attempts to get out of or escape my predicament and anything I had trying to do was not working . . .and have had to get brutally honest with myself that I just wasn't going to solve this situation from my current mindset (i.e. thinking that going out and making a lot more money would solve it, trying to get in a relationship where I could get lost in love and romance for awhile, trying to "heal" myself with some other personal development course or spiritual modality(which mostly I discovered is an intellectual exercise to NOT feel my emotions I'd been avoiding feeling) or getting lost in a myriad of other distractions and projects that weren't going to forward anything and wouldn't get me out of this particular predicament I'm in.

Basically - there was only one thing left on the menu was to be with the unpleasant and uncomfortable set of emotions and feelings I'd been avoiding. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. . .Brutal. . .just brutal.

I was reminded of the work I did in sales for a big software company years ago where I'd reached a point where it was horrible and I was dreading getting up every morning going to work and sometimes throwing up on the way to work when I had to do a presentation because I was failing with my sales numbers miserably and still having to maintain an upbeat and positive mood but also unable to escape and nowhere to go. Eventually I came to the realization "oh, this is the part where I'm supposed to feel horrible right now" . . .when I surrendered to just feeling horrible at work and getting "right" with it, within a year, my income had literally doubled and it wasn't due to working harder or smarter. Totally wild. . .

The same sort of thing seems to be happening right now . . .and it's blowing my mind . . the more lost I feel, the more I admit "I really don't have a clue about much of anything anymore", the more I let go trying to look smart or have any answers for anyone, give up trying to look good having a nice website or sales or marketing campaign . . .basically admitting I'm a dumbass - a lot more money has been showing up and coming in in my life. I realize that none of this might make any sense whatsoever with the current paradigm or work harder and smarter or learn new things . . .how on earth could feeling horrible produce more money . . .it just doesn't fit.

I'm really wondering - maybe having my ego crushed here, feeling awful and having to admit that I'm a dumbass - makes me a lot more useful to clients and a more malleable "tool" for me to be picked up and used by the Universe to be of service to others and creation (versus trying to operate from my limited intellect thinking that I know much about anything). . . and it's not like I don't have a really cool skill set and many skills and really really cool pieces of awareness and wisdom to offer to others . . .it's more like, if I'm going to ram my agenda up other people's asses, why would the Universe give me a lot more responsibility to work with people on a really deep and rewarding level if I really wasn't going to really listen to them and give them the space to feel their own way through things instead of me trying to give them advice / answers so they don't have to confront and discover things for themselves (which is kind of like just another distraction in a way ripping them off from an opportunity).

Incidentally, I think that might be what most people want . . .someone to give them answers and advice and certainly nothing wrong with that. . .maybe they have to do that countless times before finally coming to the realization that eventually, they have to confront the real work of having and feeling all their emotions and feelings (including the negative ones) when all other options have been exhausted.

Incidentally, listening doesn't mean I don't get to share wisdom and pieces of awareness and it doesn't mean that we don't work towards their dreams and ambitions - of course we do all that . . but it's not the main point of the interaction that has things "move" or produces results for someone else. Much much much more moves and happens for someone when they "have" and experience their feelings and emotions (including the really tough ones they've been avoiding) versus any advice or wisdom that I could possibly give. . .very humbling and devastating for the ego at the same time. . . all those years of schooling and education and knowing a lot of stuff - isn't what produces the biggest movement for others. . .

Rather, what I'm referring to here is REALLY LISTENING, FEELING my own stuff getting triggered when hanging with someone else, not reacting, and BEING FULLY PRESENT with where someone is at even when they are looking at something or revealing something about their lives which has them be in pain or discomfort. The default and normal response which pretty much the whole world is doing is to try to get rid of the discomfort by attempting to fix their circumstances or jumping to make it better for them / give a quick solution or already formulating an answer before they have even finished talking. . .and I realized I've pretty much spent my whole life doing this and arrogant thinking I know what's best for others. . .and the next giant leap of faith has had to do with letting go of thinking I know anything anymore, resisting that knee-jerk urge to react, really be "present" and "feeling" everything (including the discomfort) and waiting for the words to arise from the heart versus my head / mind. . . I find women seem to grasp this part about speaking from the heart more readily and maybe comes more naturally. . .You can tell when someone is speaking from their heart versus from their head / mind. . .it just comes across way way way different and with a totally different resonance.

Anyhow, I thought I'd share this . . .I find when I write about things, it helps me sort things out for myself. . .really interesting to seeing how getting crushed and getting lost / not knowing anymore and being a dumbass makes me a far better listener and more useful to others. . . And it's not like any of this could ever get turned into a formula or marketed or sold here. . .after all - who really wants to go out and feel all their stuff they spend their whole life avoiding and distracting themselves from . . .the world loves distractions and nothing wrong with that :) Pretty wild realization . . .