For years, I've been trying to get my life into a state so that when I turn 18, I will be able to transition, but in the last week I've started being scared of transitioning. I feel constant gender dysphoria, causing me to break into tears most days, many times even three or four times a day. I've wanted to stop this issue since before I even knew it was gender dysphoria, and have had my mind set on fixing it since I found out that HRT was a thing.

I have a couple feminine clothing items (one outfit that I sometimes wear at 1-3am when my parents are fast asleep), but I've been wanting to wear other bits of feminine clothing, especially with my ever increasing issues with gender dysphoria. You can imagine my excitement when I found out that my parents would be away from home for about half a week, giving me a lot of time to be able to dress up in feminine clothes, my own and my mother's, but I've stopped wanting to even do that, even though it was the only thing that made my days feel good earlier. I feel that my body is just too masculine to look good in the clothes I'm trying on. I'm 15 years old, 6'2, have very wide shoulders, a very masculine shape, so I don't really fit in the clothes (I fit physically, my body shape just doesn't work that well), and it's making my gender dysphoria even worse. At least when I'm wearing masculine clothes, I look like a regular guy, not a shitty crossdresser. I know that if I look in the mirror whilst on HRT and see a man, that it'll be terrible for my mental health.

Even when I was 6 years old, I remember my biggest wish being that I was born a girl, as I got older, it became the more realistic wish that I start HRT, but now it's back to an unrealistic wish. The only thing I wish right now is that I could've started puberty blockers as soon as I figured out I was trans.