[CW: discussion of mental health, rejection]

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I basically came out almost 10 years ago, first as gay and some years later as non-binary, then grey-ace and panromantic. I'm 26 now, by the way.

I don't have any issue with my gender and orientations, and no problems with family and friends when I came out. Which is great, but years have passed and I still feel I'm on square one. Repressing myself in some ways. Which is a bit contradictory when I consider myself proudly out.

From seemingly small things such as not saying out loud when I find someone (e.g. a character/actor) attractive (other allo people do it all the time) to more serious things such as not seeking relationships despite wanting them or not experimenting with my presentation despite wanting to (trying other clothes or make-up, etc.). But my main concern right now is with romantic and sexual relationships (watching the Heartstopper show fueled this, lol). I know that there are 3 issues here: my environment, the way others perceive me and my mental health:

1. My environment (a.k.a. family house) because, despite not being conservative/homophobic, sex and romance are "taboo". Not exactly, but these are just things not talked, ever. I've never received any kind of education about any of this at home. Not even been asked about liking someone or things like that (even if these questions would have embarrased me, haha). So this is a somehow repressing factor for me.
2. The way others perceive me because they probably think I don't want to be with people (including friendship). I can give the impression that I don't care about these things, but I do. Oh, I also live in the outskirts of town so I'm mostly dependent to go out anywhere (unless I want to walk a lot).
3. My mental health because I suffer from social anxiety and I'm neurodivergent. Probably the most impeding factor in my situation. But on the other hand, these same issues also soften the situation in a way, because I don't see socializing as a "need".

All of this impede me from living how I want. All 3 points definitely are linked. It's another kind of "closet" (that doesn't let me freely live as a queer person) created around me, probably only by myself.

And honestly I don't know how to break free. Seeking professional help is terrifying, and I'm not sure if it would help. I have enough confidence to meet people online, but it also terrifies me reaching the point of meeting with people in person and having to answer the questions of where I'm going and with who (I refer to point 1 and 2 from before). There is also the inertia of not doing something and starting to do it now, which is not expected by anyone else. But, you know, I don't think I need to move out and live alone to have relationships. Which is what I did once some years ago, with mild success. But I don't know why living with your family should be an impediment for me if it isn't for everyone else.

Oh, and I'm forgetting something important. I also fear developing romantic attraction because everyone I've been attracted to in the past has rejected me (they were straight or in a monogamous relationship). And while I'm grey-ace, I'm totally alloromantic and develop romantic attraction very easily and strongly. After all the disappointments, I've been very cautious about developing romantic attraction again (also I've been practically socially secluded for years, so not that a situation in person would have been possible).

I think I'm writting too much (and could write much more to get all my feelings out), but I don't want to discourage the reading of this post, because I'm interested in your opinions/advices. While the post is a bit of a rant, I welcome comments on what you think about the situation or if you have any advice / what would you do or if you relate, etc.

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NOTE: this account is new and it's my first time in queer spaces on Reddit, but I've been a redditor for some years. For safety reasons I created this account to engage with queer communities.