Let’s talk about asexuality, some misconceptions, and FAQs!

There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality. I want to take a bit of time to talk about asexuality to our GRSM friends! On behalf of aces, we appreciate and love being welcome in this community!

So let’s start with a few keywords and their definitions:

Asexual - A person who does not experience sexual attraction. We’ll abbreviate Ace.

Allosexual - A person who does experience sexual attraction. We’ll abbreviate Allo.

Asexuality is a spectrum. Some of us never feel sexual attraction, some of us do. Most of us, however, don’t experience it very often. Some of us have to establish deep connections with others before we can experience sexual attraction at all.

So what is sexual attraction? Isn’t that the same as sex drive?

This is our first extremely common misconception. Sex drive and sexual attraction are NOT the same thing. Sex drive is, let me be more direct, how often you desire an orgasm. Sexual attraction is wanting to have sex with a person. Many asexuals still have a sex drive. Some of us feel the need to act on it, either by masturbating or choosing to participate with a partner. Other Aces don’t feel the need to act on it, either because they don’t feel the need to act on it or are repulsed by any sexual action. Often Allos can confuse the two because they will feel both at the same time. Not everyone experiences that. Think about famous people. Many people can feel sexually attracted to a celebrity but not feel the need to act on it.

Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed? I thought all Aces are.

This is not the case. Just like anyone else, of any other orientation, you can be Sex-favorable (or positive), Sex-neutral, or Sex-repulsed. These are sexual attitudes, or how you feel about sex. Sex-favorable people like having sex with other people. You can not experience sexual attraction but still like having sex. I understand that it sounds weird but there are people in the Ace community who identify as sex-positive. Sex-neutral is people who don’t find sex to be that ah-mazing experience that people portray it to be. They aren’t gung-ho about having sex, but they also aren’t against it. They are in the middle. Then there are sex-repulsed people who are not at all into sex. They don’t want to have it. They don’t see the appeal. You can be ANY orientation and identify in these categories. These are NOT exclusive to asexuality. You can be Pansexual and Sex-neutral. You can be Homosexual and sex-favorable. You can be Bisexual and sex-repulsed. All of these are valid!! Sex attitudes don’t rely on sexual attraction to function. They are separate things and valid!

How do Ace relationships even work if they don’t experience sexual attraction?

Aces can have loving and long-term relationships with Allos or other Aces. This is because sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two very different things. Romantic attraction is the desire to date, kiss, and/or have a long-term relationship with another person. Many aces still experience Romantic attraction. It’s also possible to not experience Romantic attraction; they are our Aromantic friends! Hi Aros! You can also be Ace and Aro as well! Many aces do have relationships with Allo partners. These relationships can be difficult and require more communication. It can be difficult to balance each other's needs and desires. Each of you may have different Sex attitudes, as well as sex drives, AND sexual attraction. It is one hundred percent possible to have a healthy long-term relationship between Ace and Allo partners.

Aces who experience sexual attraction may use a romantic label to describe who they are romantically attracted to. They are the same labels you are used to seeing, just with romantic instead of sexual at the end. Examples:

• Heteroromantic
• Homoromantic
• Biromantic
• Panromantic
• Demiromantic
• Greyromantic

If you want to learn more about Aromanticism go check out r/aromantic

Earlier you said Asexuality is a spectrum?

Yes! There is lots of grey area in the asexual spectrum. This is where more labels come into play. Let’s dive into it!

Greysexuality - Can experience sexual attraction, but it's infrequent or depends on certain situations. For example, if you experience sexual attraction only every month or two, you may identify as asexual.

Demisexual - Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after a strong connection is formed. This is usually a platonic relationship first.

Reciprosexual - Does not experience sexual attraction until they know the other person is sexually attracted to them.

Akoisexual/Lithsexual - Sexual attraction fades once they know the other person is attracted to them

Aceflux - Someone who’s place on the spectrum fluctuates.

Cupiosexual - Wanting to have a sexual relationship, but not experiencing sexual attraction

Greysexuality or Grey-Ace is the overall term for which each of these fall under. If you are questioning a specific place on the spectrum, grey can be your home.

Is Asexuality a choice?

Asexuality is not a choice. Just like being Gay, Trans, Pan, Bi, or Aromantic is not a choice. We also are not incels. We are not a bunch of sexually frustrated people who people don’t want to sleep with. We don’t experience sexual attraction. If we could all “be normal” we would. It would make things a lot easier.

Why do asexuals belong in the LGBT or GRSM Community?

While we haven’t been hunted down to be murdered, we have a lot of other invalidating and awful experiences. Here are some examples:

• You haven’t found the right person yet
• Asexuals are less than human because they don’t experience sexual attraction
• You are broken
• You need to be “fixed” (aka rape)
• You are going through a phase
• You are too young to define our sexuality
• You are incapable of love
• You are a sociopath
• You are just being a tease
• You can’t be asexual, you’re a man
• You’ve just never had an orgasm
• You can’t be asexual if you masturbate!
• You just want attention
• Do you think you’re special?
• You can’t actually love them if you don’t want sex
• You are a prude
• Asexuality is a choice
• You can’t be LGBT because you don’t face the same oppression as us
• Retaliation from partners due to lack of sexual attraction
  • Outing
  • Harassment
  • Exclusion
  • Threats
• The pressure to pursue unneeded or wanted medical tests
• Losing housing
• “Corrective” Rape

TL;DR

Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is not sex drive. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different but can work together. Asexuals can be in long-term healthy relationships. Asexuality is a spectrum. Asexuals experience discrimination and dehumanization as others in the LGBT /GRSM community.

Sauce

This information can be found on the r/asexuality FAQ section. There are more details and studies linked in that section if you are a person who likes scientific data or needs to have scientific data to change your mind.
Thanks for reading my Tedtalk. Your Ace friends will most likely be willing to answer any other questions in the comments!