Hi there. I'm a transmale, and have been out since I was 14. I've always felt like a boy, it was never a question. Lately my husband (and I'm using male pronouns because he's expressed he still wants me to use them) has been questioning his gender. I know how hard this can be, and how confusing it can be. However I'm not sure how to help him. He came to me tonight and said;

"Cass. I'm not anything. I'm me, I'm J. I think I would be happier with a vagina, but I still don't feel fully like a girl. It's like gender is this concept I can't grasp. I just want to be ME. But I want my body to match the version I see of me in my head."

I'm unsure of how to be supportive beyond "you can identify however you feel is right, and I respect you." because I do! Every gender identity is valid to me. But I'm straight up just a boy. I was confused when I was little, but never questioned myself, I just knew there was something wrong, and that I was meant to be a boy. I want to make my husband feel as comfortable as humanly possible as he explores himself. I've asked a few questions so far;

"What pronouns would you like me to use for you?" (He expressed "he" still feels alright, but it's subject to change. I told him to just let me know and I would switch on a dime for him)

"Do you have a gender you identify with?" (No. He is very strict on not putting a male or female label on himself. He's adamant that no binary fits him, he's just "J". )

"Is there any way you'd like to transition?" (I am currently transitioning, so I wanted to know if we should help him get started. He expressed he doesn't want breasts, but would be happy with a vagina. Were not currently looking at surgery though. He has said he wants to seek a gender therapist to help him cope with the confusion in a way I can't necessarily help with).

So I ask you, non-binary friends, what can I do to be the best husband I can be, and help him? I am very much on a binary spectrum, and though I understand that non-binary is valid, I'm unsure of how to be supportive and help him feel validated.

We have a third partner who is gender fluid, but he (currently he, may be she if I comment again on him) always falls in either the "male" or "female" category. How do I make someone feel good for just being themselves, I wonder?