I could use some help. I've only been with women. I apologize if any of this first part is TMI, but I feel it's where the desires started and thus, is necessary to the story.

My ex-gf introduced me to anal play on me. Eventually we got into pegging and my hesitation turned to desire. As my comfort grew so did my interest. I basically wanted to be treated like a submissive female-Make me suck it, her wear it nonstop and initiate sex, put me in different positions, etc. Watching porn, I started seeing myself in the female role enjoying the dick rather than being in the male role. I asked for a more realistic dildo and we got one. It felt much better than the original. My mind starts going WILD If this feels better than the original, imagine what the real thing feels like!

I started thinking about sucking on and being fucked by a real dick. I looked at dick pics and gay porn. I would even look on Craigslist personals and get off by reading the m2m ads(but I was still in a relationship so I didn't act on anything). Sadly I never felt comfortable enough expressing to her my desires to have the real thing and we eventually broke up for unrelated reasons.

I am single now and still have these desires. Part of my confusion is that I don't find myself attracted to guys in general and for the most part, think hairiness and other manly attributes are a turnoff. With that said, I can still appreciate an attractive body/face. My attraction is to the penis and balls.

I've posted ads on CL, reddit personals and sparingly added "interested in men" on dating apps(I quickly remove this because I don't want someone I know to see me). I've never followed through for no other reason than I was scared to take that step. I also had hesitations about CL for safety concerns. I've considered going to a gay club/bar, but I find it hard to put myself out there and go out of my way. I really want it to happen naturally like if I'm drinking out at a bar and a guy hits on me...the problem is that I'm only out drinking w friends and obviously I'm very discreet about these desires.

I guess I have a few questions- Can I be attracted to dick/balls without being bi/gay? Should I pursue this desire? If pursue, what avenue is best to feel most comfortable? Am I overanalyzing? Any other advice?

If you were in a similar position and followed through with a guy, I'd love to hear your story and how you went about finding him.

Thank you all for reading.