Two years ago, /r/lgbt helped me overcome an issue with my father. Thank you. http://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/12m9ek/my_dad_wrote_this_letter_and_left_it_out_in_the/

I know this update thread is late, and I highly doubt anyone will remember this thread from so long ago. Regardless, I am sharing what happened for two reasons: One, to encourage people who were in situations like mine to stop hurting themselves due to family, religion, whatever reason... and two, writing out my thoughts has always been very cathartic.

While the outcome wasn't the scenario I was most hoping for, it was not the worst case that I had envisioned.

I survived, I overcame, and finally, after two years, I moved on. For that, I am so thankful.

To put it simply, my father and I are no longer on speaking terms. I have not spoken to him since Father's Day 2014... but looking back, I know I have not lost anything I can't live without. Cutting off contact with him was the best decision I could have made. I no longer have to worry about his toxic lifestyle and opinions bringing me down, nor his alcoholism and suicidal threats.

For those interested, this is what ended up happening approx. one week after the letter was discovered, along with reflections I have made over time:

He was on the phone with my uncle. My girlfriend at the time (who I will refer to as Violet) was over, thankfully, and heard everything. The previous night I had called my father out on drinking when he wasn't supposed to be. Every drink he had potentially was one step closer to being hospitalized again, or death. This was not the first time I had said something to him. Because I began to uncover all the things he was hiding from me. His attitude went from one extreme to the other...

Back to the phone call with my uncle... He was contemplating suicide, and I took his threat seriously as he kept a loaded gun in his room next to his bed. I went in and called him out on it -- probably not the best decision but for some reason something in me had snapped at the time. He went off on me telling me that Violet was a bad influence on me, that I am not his daughter that he knew and loved. At first, I did not realize what he meant. This veiled accusation is very important later on in the story...

I continued to argue with him while he kept my uncle on the phone. He then went on to accuse me of lying and stealing. He said I did nothing but lie (in an attempt to ruin any credibility I had with his side of the family) and stole all of his food and left him with nothing to eat, along with any money he left laying out. In truth, he would either drink or take his sleeping medication and forget where he put his money, or forget that he ate his food... or, and this goes without saying, he forgot he spent his money on more alcohol. Eventually he circled the argument back around to blame Violet for my "change" in attitude. Then it hit me. He meant that Violet was the one he, in his disillusion, thought was making me the way I was born. He blamed her for my sexual orientation.

I remember feeling this wave of emotions; sympathy, disappointment, anger, just to name a few. He wanted so badly to be wrong, he didn't come right out and say what he had been thinking all along. He wanted me to say it, because he was just as scared as I was. His whole life he told me how he wanted grand children... and his little girl wasn't going to have those grand children, at least not in the traditional family sense... From all of this, he responded to his fear with anger, resentment, basically any negative emotion that someone feels when they cannot accept the simple truth of the situation.

This is where things are a little fuzzy for me, so bear with me. There was more arguing that I do not remember. I inadvertantly blocked out bits and pieces of that night over time without any intention. But after more arguing I finally had enough yet again. In my fear, I reacted with anger. I admitted to him that Violet was indeed my girlfriend. I screamed and I cried. There was so much that was built up inside for so long.. nearly 20 years of hiding who I was, how I felt, because I feared something like this would happen. I hid who I was for fear of disappointing my family members, knowing that if I did not I would risk losing them. I was too consumed with fear of, to a degree, losing my father or any other family member that I did not take the time to consider if the charades and constant worry was worth keeping such toxic people in my life.

Once I came out in such an intense, fiery disaster, his violent demeanor faltered, even if only for a moment. Then, as soon as he was able to collect himself from the shock of his fears being verified, he started berating me. At this point, Violet had enough. She stood up for me and fired right back at him and said the things I wanted to say, but didn't know how to put it into words. Without skipping a beat, he told Violet to get out of his house. This was a huge issue at the time. Violet was under 18 (our relationship was lawful, we dated with her parent's written consent.) The fact he was so willing to throw her out on the street just because she stood up for me gave me the shock I needed to finally cut my ties with my father and not hurt myself trying to patch up any sort of relationship I could have had with my father.

At this point, I was so lost and confused. The only person I could think to call at this point was my mother... and I was scared. The whole reason I was with my father was because my mother and I had a falling out when she found alcohol in the trunk of my car. I couldn't stand to see her disappointed, so I ran away. Looking back, my reaction was immature. She already had to put up with my father's alcoholism, which ultimately led to their divorce. She didn't want to see me fall into the same trap my father did. Although her reaction was over the top and could have been handled better, she had every right to be upset with me.

But when I called, she answered. I apologized for everything, tried to explain what was going on. She came over at 11pm on a night she had work just to come and help me start packing all of my stuff up to take back to her house. She and I spent four hours taking all of my stuff in her little hatchback just to make sure none of my belongings ended up on the street. Not once did my mother bring up the alcohol incident. Not once has she brought it up since. She never held it against me, or used it as leverage. No, she was the parent I Wish my dad was. She loved me for me, and knew that no matter who I loved, she would love me unconditionally. While she and I were getting things moved out of his house, I somehow brought up why he suddenly decided to disown me. I will never forget her response. "How could he not tell you liked girls?" My mom knew all along, never brought it up, never questioned me. It wasn't until recently that I discovered just how long she had known (longer than three years before this incident even occured)... and all that time she still loved me.

After everything was said and done, all of my belongings were moved out... I did not go back to his house until almost two years later. I sent him a card on father's day from Violet and I in the mail, I called him and left a message another occasion... but he never once called me, sent me a letter, anything for my birthday or any other holiday. From what I understand, he removed me from his will and is going to give everything to the local church (including some things my grandparents left for me when they passed away, but I have no solid proof.) About a year ago, I even went out of my way to visit my aunt and uncle from his side of the family to try and stay in contact with them... but it was obvious that what had happened had tarnished the ties I once had with them as a child. I made no further attempts to stay in contact with my father or my father's side of the family. I decided that it was not worth it. It was difficult, but now I know it was the better decision from the choices I had at the time.

I may have lost my father and his family, but I gained the chance to really be myself. I no longer had to hide in fear becaue of who I Was, or pretend to be something I wasn't just to appease others. My quality of life improved immensely. Perhaps not right away, but over time. Although I lost my father, I gained confidence and freedom. Looking back, I did not realize that I was trying to save a relationship with my father because I almost lost him once, I was not ready to lose him again... but in reality I lost my father in the weeks leading up to his hospitalization. He chose alcohol as a crutch and it cost him his job, his family, his memory, and his daughter.

Hindsight is 20/20. Would I have done things differently? Absolutely... but do I regret the outcome of the situation? Absolutely not.

Thank you Reddit, for giving me the little nudge I needed so desperately at the time. Thank you.