Struggling with Hidden Desires and Fear in a World of HomophobiaaI've been struggling with something that feels like it's taking over my life. I think I might be attracted to older men. Whenever I see an older man on the street, I find him handsome, and now that I've started a new job, I find myself drawn to our older clients too.

My story is complicated. I come from a country known for its homophobia, and my parents kicked me out for refusing to marry the woman they chose for me. I can't express my feelings to any of these clients because I'm afraid of losing my job. It feels almost impossible to escape this web of homophobia, and I live in constant fear that someone will see through me and I'll lose everything.

Most young people from my region have either moved to the Middle East for work or tried to cross the American border illegally. The only people left around are older, and they have become an irresistible distraction for me. On my commute and in the office, I find myself drawn to them.

Today, I was talking to an older man I had asked to come by yesterday after work. When he showed up, he came with the head of our office. I was already on edge, but what made it worse was when the head of the office, right in front of my client, said, "Well, this guy is new here—sorry if he distracted you." I felt embarrassed and exposed. I panicked. This fear and confusion feel like they could destroy me.

I don't know what's happening to me. I want to break free from this, but I feel trapped. I wish I could just shout out, "I love you!" without caring about money or citizenship. I really want to, but I can't. I'm stuck. Thank you for listening.