In my elementary years I got transferred twice. First was because in my first grade school I got bullied (I was really excited then to school where my older siblings went). Second was the school I went to got shut down for some reason. In this school we admired the smart one who are in the first section but two particular kid took my attention.

The first one was my classmate Adam (straight he has kid and a wife now) from 4th grade, 3rd section. At a very young age he was very charismatic like he'd be the class president and all that. He was very nice to me and he has this calm vibe with him like hanging out with him was peaceful (at the time aka "he didn't bully me for being feminine" and yes, feminine because I'd deny I'm gay HAHAHAAHAH). He's got every girl crushing on him and he was oblivious about it. I'd stare at him thinking why is he so beautiful and how is he giving me this feeling in my stomach even though it's obvious. We were never close tho and after that year we never got to be classmates again coz at 5th grade he was in section 1 and I was in section 4.

The second one was CYRIL (also straight. I can't look him up at any socmed). He was way way different from Adam. Hes got this foriegn look on him like pale skin and reddish hair (it's been years but thats how i remember him now). In 6th grade I got it so fcking bad for him. Our classroom was just next to each other and every recess we'd play in our hallways and I'd stare at him burning hole in my vision. And every time i do, his friends would look at me and elbow him letting him know I was staring. I'd look away on time tho (or so I thought) but I guess it's still obvious by the way I feel my blushing. It goes on like this for a year! It's was a tortuous delight. And gues what?! He's classmate with ADAM! IKR!?

Fast forward graduation day we'd practice at the covered court of our school. He was seated behind me like a seat after to the right with his classmates. I wish a was behind him because I couldn't stop looking behind and I couldn't make it less obvious. I was turning around every minute just to catch a glimpse it was pathetic! I guess at the moment it felt like it was my last moments with him hence the incessant need to look at him.

My need for his visuals went on for the whole duration of graduation practice until his friend next to him caught me on the act and casually but teasingly asked me "do you have a crush on him?". I can feel my eyes widened as I whipped my head back to where it should be. At the time it was humilating. Imagine being 12, closeted gay, and you're caught having a crush on the prettiest face in the campus. I was TRAUMATISED. I never again looked at him during practice after that.

In highschool we went to the same school and he still was one of the prettiest faces in the campus.

I wish we'd talked a lil bit. I'd take a simple hi or even a nod at the time. I guess for him I never existed. I was just some guy in the same school as him.

I'm 28 years old now, and in relationship with my beautiful boyfriend for 4 years. This was in 2000's where fashion was layered shirts and skirts over jeans. If we had our heartstopper then I would've had the courage to talk to the guys I like.

I feel like gay men in my generation was robbed of that experience because it was such a taboo then. It was easily tolerated then but not accepted.

Thank you for reading. I hope you.enjoy my little gay awakening.