Since I discovered I was NB (maverique genderflux) almost 8 years ago, I've had this internal struggle about my sexual orientation and how I feel it's contradictory with my gender.

So, before discovering I was NB, I thought I was a gay guy. It took me a lot of time to come out to myself and discovering I was gay was very liberating and I loved myself and being gay. But, you know, discovering your real gender doesn't change your orientation. Learning about gender made me realize that my attraction includes more identities than just cis guys (trans guys, transmasculine NB, androgynous or neutral NB, agender people...), but that doesn't mean that I couldn't be attracted to them before.

My identity isn't anywhere near close to being a man, but I still want to embrace the gay label in its more traditional sense ("man that likes men"). Like, men are the main group (by numbers) that attracts me. And to gay men, I'm exactly in the group that they are attracted to (unless knowing that I'm NB somehow made them lose the attraction...).

I'm not unconfortable in presenting more masculine to be attractive to them. Although, due to my gender, sometimes I'd like to present more neutrally. But then only a minority would be attracted to me, and my "gay idealization" would not happen.

Do you see the condradiction? But it's not only that, in places like Grindr I don't disclose that I'm NB (even if it's possible to say in the profile) for fear of generating assumptions about me and making people lose any interest they could have in me. But this is just for sex, though, I tell them I'm NB if there is more interest in knowing each other, as respecting that I'm NB is essential to me.

So I know I'm kinda "faking", but I don't think it's something bad? Although I feel some internal struggle and realize that my gender and orientation are, somehow, condradicting each other.

Can anyone here relate? Do you have any tips to handle this struggle?