Well this is the story that got me to a point I feel I don't have a soul anymore.

Ever since I was young, i was different looking because of my mixed race (half arabian and half polish american). So, i wasn't as the other guys in my neighbourhood. I studied in a private british school, so my friends from school are not in the area I live in. So, I used to just play in a park alone most of my days in the breaks. That's when I was a approached by a friendly guy... older than my dad and he kept talkin with me and initiate conversation that were surprising interesting to me( video games, cartoons and shows i used to watch) even though we had a bit of a communication problem (first language was english not arabic). He was keep insisting in me visiting him in his house where he had all sort of videogames and stuff. Eventually, I was convinced to go with him to his house. There he started to show me stuff i haven't seen before (porn). That when he started to be handsy with me..... with time it turned into full molesting, till points I would go home and shower and i will be bleeding from my anus uncontrollably. He had a way of me not telling my parents or anyone that will result in my mom and dad lossing their head (comman childish swear where you swear by your mom's and dad's head). This continued from age 9 till I started to hit puberty at age 12. When I realised more about myself and puberty, I stopped the activity with him.

After hitting puberty, I realised that I was attracted to guys and some of my school mates mainly. I didn't know I was gay at the time or even such thing existed. But, there was always that friend of mine in school that I was attracted to. I felt it was beyond the bond we had, the talks we share and everything else. So, I was crushing on him without even telling him. A year after, it was one of our friend's birthday, he rented a whole indoor amusement park for his birthday. The place had a lot of arcade games, rides, and even hiding places. This is about a year from me crushing over him. We were besties and most of our time in the park we were together. Till we ended up in hidding spot in one of the slides where we were just tired from other people and just wanted to be alone and talk. At that time, I couldn't contain myself, I had to tell him how I feel towards him. So I kept it as simple as it is "Pete, I love you". He said "I love you too" and I said " no like I really love you, I love being with you, I love playing with you, I love seeing you smile and I just love everything about you". He said " that's what I love you mean, Isn't it?". I was shocked and couldn't believe that the feeling was mutual. So I asked him since when? He said... ever since our first history class ( the time we met for the first time). We kept talking about our feelings about our feelings and how special some moments we had that made what we feel even stronger. After that, it was a few minutes of silence. I asked " now what lol, are we dating?" He said "yes, i guess we are". Uncontrollably, I felt the urge to kiss him but i was afraid of rejection. So i asked him " can i kiss you?" He said "yes, please!". So, at that moment, i had my first kiss that actually was not from the molester.

Our relationship lasted for years and years till we reached 20. At that time we moved out together in our own apartment. However at age 20. Our relationship was doomed from a cause that was not made by anyone of us. His father had legal problem and allegations that resulted in the deporting from the country immediately! I couldn't even see him and tell him goodbye as he and his family were escorted by police. Our relationship didn't end at that time... and it never did.... but it took a pause that we both agreed with when we couldn't handle long distance relationship. So, we always had a pack... that we will find each other eventually, if we ever find love we would stay out of contact cause we would not bear the fact that one of us was with someone else.

The same year, one of my friends introduced me to someone that he wanted to add to our group who i found he was cool. The more i knew him the more i started developing feelings that i was denying that it was love feeling. He became my best friend, we travelled together and made us even closer. On our way back, we both slept in the plane while our heads were one each other. No one knew i was gay, as the social constraints and religion made us never talk about that thing. So, I just hide my feelings towards him for 3 years of knowing him. After these 3 years, we had our first fight as best friends. I was angry, went to my family beach house who no one know about based on my parents rules. Then he called and he wanted to meet and deal with the problem we had. I said "okay, come to our beach house, we can listen to music and talk it out". He came then he was angry at me how a best friend would be angry at him for such a thing. We solved the issue. Then I started crying. Because, during the whole period of us being friends, he was suicidal and he never told me the reason. So i told him " how can i become your best friend if i can't even save you or know what you are going through, I just can't bear the fact that there is a possibility that I will lose you one day!". We went into silence and he told me "do you want to know why I am trying to take my life? It is because i am gay!". He said "you don't know the feeling of being alone and not loved, hiding yourself from everyone, when you trust someone with your secret they dont want to be your friend and keep telling people about it, your family wants to disown you of one of their children is gay...... im just tired of being alone" and he was crying while saying that. I wanted to hug him so bad, but he was too emotional which is something he never shown anyone. Then I told him to sit and I wanted to tell him something too. I told him " im gay too, im hiding it and not telling anyone about it". In the middle of what i was saying, he started laughing. Saying "we were hiding the same secret from each other for 3 years!!!". Then we kept laughing, talking, saying who our crushs are from the people we know till the sun rise facing the beach. I told him that he should stay and we can just sleep here after this long night. As best friends, we slept on the same bed, as gay friends he was laying his head on my shoulder while we were watching videos on my phone. All of a sudden, he started spooning himself on me.... i just dropped my phone and started hugging him... that when i knew that my feelings towards him were true and mutual. Next thing i knew... we were in a relationship. When he graduated university, i told him that im going to get my master's from Canada and he should come with me. He came with me, i had a house there that my parents rented it for me so i can get my master's.  I introduced him to my friends from Canada, and my house became where we chill as a gay group. We got married there. But, i knew there was something still wrong as he wasn't happy and always went to drug use. I never stopped him, thinking that he is being moderate towards it. He was also been molested. But, the effect was way sever on him,  as he always feel disgusted from being with a guy even the person he loves. Cause it always reminds him of the time he was molested by his uncle. One day, i got a call from one of our friends that they were partying and he mixed a huge amount of pills with alcohol and he was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital where he was in a coma in the ICU. I stayed overnight there. By the morning he had passed away. The pain, the shock, the loss was just too massive that caused me depression and uncomfortable panic attacks. I lost my husband. Took a break from my university and went back home. That is when my dad outted me. He said " i know u didn't loss just a friend, he was more than that.... and i dont mean a brother" " you loved him, just as you were in love with Pete when you were young". My dad was a great help in me dealing with the loss.

I finished my masters, started travelling all over the world, meeting people, having one night stands and failed dating attempts. Just kept exploring the world. I was dating someone at the time in my country and my family wanted to go to London. I haven't been there before. When i arrived to London, i texted Pete " where are u?" He said London... i said " i know... i mean where are u exactly at this moment" he said home. So i sent him a snap with the filter location of London. He was so excited and said im coming to meet you right now. So, i left the family and spent my time with Pete. Both of us were dating at the time, but both of us were not happy with our relationships. But we both have the moral of never cheating... so i spent 2 weeks with him travelling UK. There was those moments that we couldn't hold ourselves and we kissed and cuddled but with our clothes on. Then my trip ended and i went back to my country.

After all of my failed dating experience where i couldn't feel anything. Someone appeared out of no where and we started talking. Mel... that was him. I fell with him because i never felt anything like i felt with that person. At the time i was broken from everything that happened and he was the only one that knew the feeling and have similar problems. We fell in love. It didn't last much. 6 months to be exact. But, he was the last person i fell for. Because i am almost hollow. My life became him. So when i broke up with him, i seeked psychiatry help. Where they kept increasing my antidepressants to the point i had heart problems.

Had 3 heart attacks in less than 6 months.... so my cardiologist told me that i had to go to Germany, there is a hospital that can help with my case. I went with one of my ex boyfriends there. I was preparing for the worse.... so i was living my life like it was ending. 4 people wanted to meet me from a dating app... i invited them all at the same time. 2 of them left immediately cause they were expecting sex and 2 remaind... then only one remained. Beni.... we started dancing, drinking, karaoke and singing sweet dreams together. We just had one hell of a night together. It got late, he didn't have a car and he wanted to go home. I took him with my car... we parked next to his house and just kept talking tjen making out for a while.... refusing the night to end. We decided to become together cause the spark between us was just undiscribable. He stayed with me through all of my journy and healing period in Germany. For 2 months. Then i had to go back home cause i finished my procedure with the hospital there. My parents didn't know about my heart issues, so my ex paid my medical bills. Till this day they still don't know.

After germany, i wasn't the same. I went a menyal break down with uncontrollable and sever anxiety, depression, and panic attacks that occurs more than 4 times a day. So, i was admitted to a psychiatry hospital for a month. Which only made things worse. The pumped me on meds that made me emotionless and inhuman. The same time, Pete accepted a job offer in my country to be with me knowing i am single at that time. Knowing that our relationship was the real deal and nothing can break it.... specially after our time in UK. But, from 12 and more pills a day... i wasn't feeling anything. So, i couldn't love him the way i loved him before, and i didn't want him to see me in such mental state. After a while i knew that he wasn't happy being here (him being a gay activist and here being a strict country towards that). So, i couldn't have the strength to tell him to stay and fight with me my battle while he is suffering on his own with being in my country. So, we came to a goodbye after him being 7 months in the country.

He broke up with me from our bound that we promised we never break that lasted more than 15 years.... afterwards i get an add from Pete, and he was telling me how we are cursed in this life. He said he will end it. In my mind... "end what? He already broke up with me"..... minutes later i get a picture with his wrist wide cut with the word goodbye on it... i immediately captured it and send it to his father and called him up saying that he needs to go to Pete. Pete ended up in the hospital. His dad told me to come and solve the problem with him in UK.  But, i couldn't travel, cause at that time i just had epilepsy episodes that the doctor told me it is not a good time to drive, travel or go anywhere. Then on January 30th this year. I got a simple text from his dad saying "Peter is dead".... this is when i felt i lost the whole world. I was in denial at the beginning and thought it was just a lie from his dad to keep me away from him. But, i asked some of his friends and it turned out to be true.

Now, i just lost every feeling in my body. I am in great emotional pain each day i live from being used as a sex object when i was young, losing my boyfriend for deportation, losing my husband for drugs, falling in love with someone that was using me for what i own and what can do to him financially, losing someone that i fell in love with while i was dying, then losing my boyfriend Pete again but for death.....

So, i am in a position where i want to leave this world when i reach the age 30.

Thank you for whoever read this...