One of my close uncles passed away due to a motorcycle accident and i don’t know if i can’t feel it as much or im numb or im not comfortable to be vulnerable or im putting on a strong front for my family. my doc actually took me from 10 to 20 the day of his death. let me describe how i’ve handled it. my sister called me at 3 am, crying, “tio ___ got into an accident and he didn’t make it. go check on mommy.” not the exact words but that’s what i got from it. my heart started racing, i started hyperventilating, my gf woke up. “are u okay?” “no.. tio ___ died , motorcycle accident.” i got up, hyperventilating still; trying to calm my breathing. i grabbed my phone my chapstick my vape, i asked my gf to bring some water. i live very close to my mother so in my jammys i get to her house and go upstairs and just hug her. she’s crying, im still hyperventilating. seeing my mom cry broke my heart. my gf comes up after me, comforting us. my dad is laying down trying to process. next day, i’m calling and texting everyone. (family members) are you guys okay, do you need anything. making sure my mom is okay, trying to keep her spirits high. making sure she’s staying hydrated and eating food. family start coming over, everyone’s crying. it’s terrible and it breaks my heart. i was pretty close with my uncle, i wouldn’t see him everyday but i saw him a couple times a month. and i saw him the night of the accident, and i ran up and hugged him so hard i almost knock him and his motorcycle down. and i told him i love him and i missed him and to be safe. small talk. hug and kissed on the cheek bye. but damn i didn’t think id never see him again. *im not religious * everyone is talking about god. and how he’s with his mom and my cousin. i don’t mind, i want everyone to have whatever hope and thoughts that help them move on. i just want my family happy. i hate seeing my mother cry. i know this is all over the place. i’ve cried three times since this has happened(saturday morning) but it’s always only been 3 tears max or my eyes just watering. and i hate feeling confused. i care and love my uncle. but i can’t cry nor feel the pain. i’m worried for tmr, im scared that i have just been holding in it and that tmr ill be a total mess. worried. anxious. thank you for reading this far, love ya.