I was on lexapro for about 2 years, 5mg daily. At the time it really did work for me. I was basically unflappable and a lot of situations that previously had given me so much anxiety I couldn't function became really easy to navigate. I felt normal for the first time in my life. But, after 2 years I had gained a lot of weight and I was having libido issues, and maybe I was tricked a little bit by how well the drug was working because I started to think I no longer needed it, like I'd gotten through a rough patch in life and I was ok. I tried dieting and exercising but it made no effect on the weight gain so I decided the lexapro had to go. So I tapered off carefully and let my doctor know. I spent a month tapering off though in actual fact it took a lot longer for my system to adjust back to normal. But, my libido returned immediately and I lost all the extra weight without any dieting. Problem solved? Not quite.

That was almost 2 years ago, and today I realized again just how much anxiety is running my life. I have a number of things in my calendar for the new year that I have wanted to do for years, traveling and other opportunities, and I've been considering cancelling all of them because they're making me anxious and I feel I won't be able to enjoy them. I love to travel but traveling with anxiety is such a roller coaster, sometimes you have a good day and other times you can't leave your hotel room. The times I traveled while I was on the lexapro were so fun and easy. It just made me think, if my anxiety weren't running my life, I'd be able to make completely different decisions. I might be able to be a completely different person, and to actually do something about so many long term problems I have faced, but with my anxiety, not yet been able to navigate addressing. I want to move to a different part of the country, have for years, but I'm too paralyzed to make a decision and figure it out. Imagine if I could just do that, my whole life would be different.

So I don't know, I might go back on. I was so miserable about the weight gain in particular and I felt really bad about myself, but I didn't have very healthy habits at the time. I don't know if I really would have gained all that weight if I were eating better and going to the gym all along, both things I have now come to enjoy. I'm afraid to try it because honestly, putting myself through the adjustment to get back onto the drug, and then having to come off it again if it causes the same problem, is not something I want to go through AT ALL. It took months for me to feel normal after tapering off especially, and it made it really hard to keep it together for a while. It feels too high stakes to just choose to go through that again and hope for the best. I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.