I will write here something that... sits on my shoulders. I cannot tell her this, due to things being difficult. Not because of me or her, but the circumstances will be mentioned... anyways, I apologize for the length and grammar mistakes and anything that may sound pathetic, as I am writing this with... some tears in the eyes. I've did some edits with the start of April too.. and J, if you ever get to read this... I will turn red like a tomato :D! But anyways, I just felt like writing this and that. It will be edited at times, so.. this sort of works like a deposit of my thoughts that I won't ever tell you about it. Or maybe I will.

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We've met on a website. One of the weirder ones, but who cares. You yourself said this.. and you are right. It's true, people will find their love one way or another, regardless of the context or circumstances. Much like anyone who is looking for role play... I came across you. The lock-down here is terrible and as you know, everything is closed and isolated. There is barely any contact with the outside world due to how drastic the measures are where I live, and well... I suppose there is something good here after all: we've met. And I am happy, still.

At first, things were formal... each one of us would type their own piece of writing and sending it to the other. We've brainstormed a lot of ideas for a story but that did not last: we quickly found ourselves sitting before our very keyboards, sitting with excitement as we'd patiently wait for one another's answer. Or that is how I like to sugarcoat things^^ maybe it's not like this and... I tend to overromanticize things again.

T I remember the day when you told me that I should open up, no matter what. You did not force me to, but... I was reluctant at the start. Reluctant due to me fearing losing someone that was at that time, my partner to write with. I... began to see you more than my buddy to write with. And you did too! The whole time I was fearful of saying this, yet there it was. A wall of text, reflecting every bit of love I had for you -- but the best part about it? You said it back... you said it back and if that doesn't move the heart of a man, then I don't know what does. I love you too :D! Always will.

You live aboard, over the seas... far away from me, though not far away from my heart. We learned about each other as time moved on -- things happened relatively quickly despite it being only... a month or two? I don't know at this point. I know that I love you though! And I can't stop saying this.

You work in the army. I can't exactly tell how life is there, however, I can imagine how some things are there, judging by what you told me. There is a time where we both can talk... free of any disturbance. However, you are busier and busier... How you spend your time is your thing and I've never been mad at you... how could I? You've told me... that you probably won't go further than telling me these sweet things. And it pains. Just a little bit.

And as those were your words, an idea started to expand... the idea of an "us". Despite what you've said, that... you don't have the intention to go further. I just couldn't help myself... I love you. I truly do and I never want to love anyone in the world, other than you... I don't know what you look like, only from what you've described to me... but I love you ;~;. No amount of money, no amount of beauty that another woman has... no amount of what I will get told... I love you... you sure know that. It's.. I cannot, J... literally. You've made me heartless towards the others -- not in the traditional sense: heartless because I don't have a heart. I don't have a heart, because it is in your hands. I've said this enough already did I.

I've told you on my birthday, some days ago, what I feel and that I want there to be an us... I want us to be together, one day. I travel a lot... but I am stuck as of now as you can guess. Stuck, but not unable to get out. It will take some years... but even so. My love simply refuses to die out. It's been a month and I am not in this... "lovey-dovey" state anymore. I judged things with a clear head... and still, this... This is the conclusion. A bad conclusion maybe, but... I've had done a lot of bad choices. This wouldn't be one I'd regret.

That I love you and that I want to be with you; holding your hand and just look into your eyes. And then, telling you, with a happy tone that I love you. Do you want the same? Well, that I do not know. I know things moved fast and... maybe I opened up too early. However, you did too: you've said you wouldn't leave me and you did not :>. I know it is just a month... but I never had anyone that displayed this much affection and love. This... much support and positiveness to the point that some of that aura brushed off on me.

You know how I feel... you know that I love you and... even after I've sent you that wall of text where I've told you that I want to be with you... you were still able to say back the words: 'I love you'. And I am happy! A bit of a pity that the headache was persistent and didn't let you answer... I even told you that you don't have to... but, you reassured me you were comfortable with the message... and with me. I just love you so much... and again, I'm tearing up like a dumb idiot. But I love you.

And there it was; your answer. I was indeed seeing this coming and it didn't take me by surprise... I don't feel as bad as I would've. Still, a burning pain in my heart persists, and although latent, I expect it to go away at some point. I hope so at least... I've written this letter maybe because I've either lost hope in... myself, or something bad happened where I simply can't tell you all those sweet things. Whatever it is: you are a great person and you will always be... And if we somehow got split up already, you must already know that I miss you. A heck lot ;~; I hope we didn't though... but anyways. Enough with me being soft. You have goals and so do I. I will reach mine and you will reach yours, in time. I just... want to hope that we can be together at some point, regardless of how many years will pass.

I love you... I always loved you, I still do. And I know you do too. Just... don't forget me you 5'11 tall sweetheart. I hope I never made you mad... or have disappointed you in any way. I hope I was a good person to you... I love you ;~;

-Your idiot