You,

You knocked on that door, and we met. I was (am) attracted to you, but tried to be a just man, a faithful husband, a father that shows he can be a good man.

We worked together, and the more I got to know you the more I fell deeper for your unintentional charms, your good looks and troubled but delightfully wicked humour (matching my dark sense of humour).

I have 'hidden' my feelings in plain sight, telling you how I feel in humourous and playful ways, and still tell you most days, even though we no longer work together.

You sent me pics of your 'fashion parade' whilst away and I should have been more clear, more honest, spell it out how clearly I had fallen for you, and yes I admit I'm in love with you, it's not just an infatuation, it's more than just sneaking a day off from work to meet you and go to a film together, but you deserve better than what I am

I think about destroying my home, disappointing my kids and devastating my wife, to tell you that I'm in love with you, not because of any complex to save you like a white knight, but because as a person, a body, a soul, a mind, I have long passed lusting over you, but want to be with you, indefinitely. But I can't

I can't be the man my father was, causing devastation and going back on the promises he gave...my whole identity and existence has been forged to be a better man, a man that honours his word, that will go beyond himself to deliver his promise....but I can't help but get excited when I see I have a message from you, be delighted hearing your voice on a recorded note, be attracted when I see a picture of you...or stop thinking about you in more intimate ways when I'm 'that way inclined'...

I can't get over you, I don't want to, but I know I need to, for the sake of my sanity....but I live on the edge of a blade, too far over and I miss you and think of you more, we contact each other and I think of you more. I have thought about cutting all ties, but it makes me feel sick, you're a drug to me, and I'm now at the stage of needing a dangerously large dose to keep achieving some level of satisfaction

Please forgive me, I am not what you want, I'm the antithesis of all you hold moralistic and right...but I can't stop wanting you. My good side says I hope you find happiness, my bad side says but only with me...I'm sorry for not being the just and true man I have lead you to believe

I love you

A x