Have you ever done something as a 12 year old or 9 year old that sticks with you to your adult life and it haunts you daily if not by the second? That was the leading cause of me being in the mental hospital for damn 6 days. I put myself in so much mental pain I had to be driven by the ambulance to the mental hospital. I was a high risk case. I was suicidal. If I knew my dads code to his gun safe I would have tooken the gun and pulled the trigger into my brains. This is real talk. No sugar coating. My dad felt this and he teared up. He knew if he gave me that gun when I moved to Texas, he felt something telling him not to give him that gun. That teared him up. Knowing he knew what I would have done. That teared me up. I was also wishing to be raped multiple times in my mind because the guilt and shame and disgust I had in my mind to the point I wanted to self harm myself in the most worst way. I was a kid yes I know. But I realized now I hold myself so high of a standard if I don't meet that requirement I mentally bash myself so hard I go into a deep deep deep depression and I get damn near suicidal almost every time.