It's been almost a month now since we have officially separated. I walk along the empty halls in our home, feeling the pit in my stomach and chest. How these walls would talk if they could. I hate myself for being so angry, never wanting to just sit and talk, always yelling during our fights. I know you were trying, you just wanted someone to listen, for me to listen and love you the way you wanted.

Now I sit here with a heavy mind. Without you I thought I could focus, lock in and be great and come back to you stronger than ever. Now I sit here, packing. The kids still ask about you. If you're ever coming home.

I have such a pit of fear in me as well. Losing you, my job, my home all in one weekend. How can I support them? They look to me as their mother and all I can do is sob. I failed. As mother and partner, daughter, sister. I hate myself. I dream vividly of giving the kids to CPS so they can have true care and just offing myself. I don't deserve the air I'm wasting. You're right, I'm just like my mother.

I never wanted us to separate this way. I should be strong and depend on myself, but I'm in too deep of a hole to claw out of.

You're young, and beautiful, and so fucking strong. You deserve the world and I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you. I hope whoever comes next into your life showers you with the adoration you deserve.