The little girl who used to live within me would be screaming inside right about now.

She’d say things like, “Am I not important? Why am I being ignored? Am I not a priority? Do I not deserve to be reminded that you care, even in the slightest bit? Are you purposely trying to create space between us? Are you pushing me away again? The last time you went this silent, you were gone shortly after…and that was hurtful.”

That little girl has been replaced with a more secure girl. A girl with a new pair of lenses to see through. The little girl who lives within me now is much more calm these days. She understands herself. She is aware of more then just her own needs and feelings - she is aware of others and actually has the capacity to create and hold space and pour into them without overflowing.

She says things like, “I know things have been off the last few days. I hope he is okay. I wonder if he’s listening to his audiobook and caught up in the enjoyment of the story. Maybe he’s really busy at work, he said he was late yesterday. Maybe he’s just overwhelmed and isn’t sure how to tell me yet, we did just talk about how honesty is hard for him. Maybe it’s not me at all, but if it is I know he’ll communicate when he’s ready..”

Your silence is deafening, but I’d like to think I’ve grown. So in the mean time, my inner litter girl is doing all of the self care things to be full of - herself. She’s dancing and singing to music. She’s engaging with her own friends. She’s building new connections with other people so that her world is not limited to one person as a lifeline, that is not fair to anyone. She’s writing more than she ever has, she’s inspiring herself every day.

I’d like to think I’ve grown, but I still have a ways to go. Healing is a lifetime commitment to bettering myself. I may not be the best at everything, but I will give my best with everything I aim to achieve.

My immediate reactions are my own traumas to sort through, but part of that process is to analyze what action caused my reaction. Silence is deafening to me, but that is my own issue. Only someone who desires to be there with the understanding that a little bit of added reassurance helps that little girl grow along the way is the only person who I should be running to. This must be what it is like to walk. It’s beautiful here, the things you notice when you finally slow down.

No matter what, I am here as patient as can be until you’re ready to communicate with me. Until you’re ready to meet this new me.

🤍