I’m (40F) in the midst of separating from my girlfriend (53F) of 4 years. We live together and have two dogs together and live in a small town with a very close queer community.

Our day to day life together is beautiful but we essentially have very different needs in non-monogamy and have been caught on and off in a stale mate for about a year, trying to find a way through. Sex for me has been underwhelming at best.

It exploded in the last six months after my (now-ex) girlfriend and my best friend fell in love with each other. We tried a triad for a little while but I was really let down by the both of them in the way they communicated with me, and the negotiation of agreed boundaries.

The story is so long and winding but in the end, each party was very hurt and I felt deeply betrayed. I feel resentment towards the both of them because I felt like I was really carrying the load to steer us to a place of safety and connection for all of us, while my GF and BF would just say they should be free to love whoever they want and everyone else should just catch up.

I’ve been no-contact with my BF for about two months, and then decided to break up with my GF five days ago.

Within two hours of me leaving the house after I broke up with my GF, she was down at the BF house where they spent two nights together.

I feel hurt and betrayed but honestly, knowing I’m now out of the chaotic dynamic I’ve been in - I’m just so so fucking relieved and it is nowhere near as distressing to deal with the break up as it was to be in those two relationships.

I’m excited about my future to rebuild my self esteem and self-trust after really abandoning my own needs for so long.

But I also feel scared!!!

I’d love a lil pep talk, like what changed for you after walking away from another relationship? Did you reconnect your own desires after not being so enmeshed? Am I gonna be okkkkkk?