(i know there are greater things in the world that i should be more concerned about and that i should be thankful i at least have a roof over my head but i really need to get this off my chest)

hey, 19M here. it's currently 2 am right now and i am still awake because the future is eating me alive. i have a big responsibility and it is to succeed. all my grades are straight A, gpa 3.8/4 (soon to be 4), and all that. i will be doing my masters degree outside (probably in europe). life's looking good for me.

however, i genuinely don't know how i will be able to leave my mother (single mother who raised me alone and sacrificed everything for me) alone, and leave my grandparents too. i know leaving is for the best so i can have a good financial future so i can make them live the happiest life and offer them everything they did for me and more. but it is killing me alive that i have to leave them. they are the world for me.

moreover, i am an over-thinker. i am getting frustrated of the thought of the future. i wish there is a guide just telling me "hey go to this country, get those grades, achieve this and that, and boom you are in the road of success". but i know life is nowhere near easy as that.

i don't know what to do anymore, i genuinely thinking death is the easiest thing to do. yes, i prefer to commit suicide than see my loved ones cry because i will be leaving them behind for their own future benefit.

i am genuinely tired that i have been carrying big responsibilities ever since i was a kid because my father left. however, i have never been scared of them because i know i can handle them. but now the responsibility to leave the country and build a future that is best for my loved ones and myself is probably the biggest responsibility i have ever encountered and i am terrified. i am lost. i am scared. I feel like i am a 7 year old child in his mother's arms.

i never admitted this to anyone which is why i am on' for the first time ever, i am scared and i don't know what to do anymore.