I posted last night around 7 about having made it thru the first 24.

I got some really nice comments, so I felt pretty terrible when I ended up smoking again a little past midnight.

I was having a really shitty night. I have some thoughts about my possible undiagnosed mental disorders, but that's neither here nor there, for now. Maybe I'll talk more about that later. I intend to lean into this community thing.

I'm positive cannabis is only exacerbating my issues. The temporary relief thins out quick, and I'm left with a sick chest and mood swings.

I'm posting here to be accountable. I had genuine shame about saying I will not smoke with you today, and then smoking.

But I really want to learn honesty. Or is it integrity? I want to give my truth. I'm gonna treat this space like a meeting, sharing circle, whatever. Take my turn to tell you about what's going on with me, whatever I'm thinking and feeling in this process. And then sit down and listen to other people.

I mean it now. I threw out all my shit today. In a burst of decisiveness I dumped it all in a public trash can far from home. It's all gone. Some valuable/attractive pieces, I've been rationalizing. But no, I am giving it up. It's of more value as a sacrifice.

I also tattooed a little x on the side of my hand with my tattoo gun that I bought months ago. I only have a couple other old stick and pokes from long ago.

I mean it, I mean it for real. It's the new moon tonight.

I will not smoke or get high with you today.