The day after Christmas I had a massive fight with my partner that pretty much ended with the realization that my pretty extreme weed use was severely damaging our relationship. I was unresponsive, dismissive, and rude, not because I wanted to be, but because my brain was in a daze from the herb.

After smoking pretty much every day for upwards of 4 years, it finally hit me that the very things I was using weed to self medicate; my depression and anxiety, was all being amplified now.

I spent the greater part of this year having panic attacks almost daily, screaming about killing myself at the slightest miscommunication and indication that I had done wrong, all while stoned out of my mind. I was abusive and unhinged.

While I'm not so delusional or naive to think the weed was the cause of that, it was certainly exacerbating the existing problem and hindering my recovery. As of September, I am now being treated for my mental illness, but it hasn't been enough. So I have made a pact to quit this and fully dedicate myself to fixing my brain.

The hardest part was telling my parents. They knew I smoked, but I was less than honest with them about the frequency. I came clean to them about the past year, about the role weed played in the hospital visits, in the late night crying phone calls, in the fights and the traumatizing effect on my partner. I was ashamed. I am ashamed.

A week in, I feel irritable, I'm plagued by night sweats, and my motivation still isn't where I want it to be. But at the same time, I feel hopeful and optimistic for the future for the first time in a while.

I spent so long just waiting to get home so I could light up, I wasn't enjoying my life. And now I feel like I can.

Quitting is worth it. And who knows, maybe somewhere down the line I'll be able to enjoy a little on a special occasion. But for now, I'm done.

I feel so blessed to have a partner who supported me through all of this, stayed with my though my struggles and is still supporting me through this journey. I don't know where I would be without them.

A new year brings a new perspective and for me, a new life.

Stay strong, guys, and try your best. That's all we can do.