I have been smoking since sophomore year of highschool, smoking alone since senior year. Weed has taken me down a terrible dark path and I have wasted about 5 years of my life operating at what feels like 30% of my potential, save for a year of college where I hammered down a little and left with a 3.42 GPA. Not all that impressive considering my level of intelligence and the simplicity of the classes. I have neglected my family, grown distant with my little brother and my mother, and haven't progressed myself in almost any way except spiritually and philosophically (whoop-dee-doo, I know). Other than the education I got, I haven't been employed most of this time, and haven't pursued interests much beyond spirituality/philosophy and vidya. I have used what should have been some of the most transformative years of my life and traded it for pleasure in the form of weed mixed with vidya, media entertainment and petty pursuits. I have no savings whatsoever, despite holding a job since November. I've spent all that money on pot, vidya, and guilty pleasure food despite having food provided by my mother. This has transpired despite my goals to return to the city, get a car, an apartment of my own, knowing full well the outcome of my behavior. My paycheck is usually gone days before the next (weekly checks). So all in all, I have made a mess of the last 5 years.

Recently, I saw a psychic. I know not everyone is on page with that stuff but suffice to say she knew stuff she couldn't and I have no doubt she's legit. I don't care what you think, the point is she made my purpose clear to me. I am to heal people emotionally, I was heading for psychology work anyway, this just fits right in. The kicker is, I can't develop my abilities while under the influence of pot. This coincides with my inability to lucid dream, or dream vividly, when not sober. Along with all the other detrimental effects.

I am at this point in my life where I have to embrace my destiny, my purpose, or allow my desires to consume me as they have these past five years. I already had a million reasons to quit, but now the number is inconsequential, IT JUST NEEDS TO HAPPEN. And what I've found is that this overriding responsibility is weighing on me heavily. I can no longer so easily bullshit my way into a bong hit, or buying another bag. I have caved a couple times since but this is it. After listening to Jordan Peterson on addiction, I have learned that over the past five years I have been growing a literal part of my brain that represents my addiction by reinforcing it time and time again. check out this 4min video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXk2CB2_g2E) describing the concept, if you're reading this then that's info you need desperately. And now that I have this physically huge part of my brain, an entire personality, working against my best wishes; I feel very split and it is very taxing. I don't know who I am. One moment I am good and on the page of quitting, the next I fall into a thread of thoughts debasing the whole endeavor and knocking myself for thinking such a silly thing. I am sharing myself with a pathological subroutine, and I can't stand how pervasive the thoughts are. I feel split down the middle, and no matter what I do, smoke or not, half of me feels like shit for it. Over time, as I continually put that personality into the dirt, and deny it the dopamine release that literally makes it grow, I will return to the ME that has no impulses to smoke, although that personality will always be part of my brain. I will just have to grow another personality that keeps that one in check. This is the dynamic described in the video and it is literally how addiction works. I see this point in my life and a pivotal moment, and a part of me is sad that it will cease to exist. It's almost an existential crisis I'm having as I see that many parts of my personality are just off-shoots from my addiction. I may have to never play vidya again due to how often I smoked before playing, same with movies/shows, music, doing anything fun really. I totally fucked myself by smoking before literally everything I did in life for five years. Now literally everything I do is a trigger to make me crave it. I have to wonder, once I overpower those triggers, what will I be like? Who will I be? It really is frightening to consider these things. So much of what I enjoy is heavily related to pot. I fear I may have severely fucked myself. How can I enjoy music without craving pot, enjoy a movie or playing some vidya? Will I have to forgo these things in order to quit permanently? It troubles me how much of myself is dependent on pot and how much of me is screaming to say " TO HELL WITH IT " and light up a fat bong rip and get lost in some GTA V. But then there's the part of me that is repulsed by the childishness of such an activity, and the distinct lack of accomplishment such activities produce. I am not going to be a pro gamer for a living so what I am doing? Wasting time. But if life is short, shouldnt I just enjoy myself? Or should I care that much more that I fulfill my purpose?

As you can see I am back and forth and back and forth. I need some guidance or commiseration here, I feel so alone and I can't even talk to my mother about it because I'm ashamed to admit how much I've fucked my life, how dependent I've become of it. She could really help me, be a helping hand, and I know she gets it to some degree, but my being silent is having its effect, on our relationship and my karma.

I know once I get out of the withdrawal phase, things will get easier in the moment. I will feel happy from playing vidya without needing to smoke. I won't feel like shit as the norm and need weed to feel normal again. I will have intense dreams, and as I progress, lucid dreams as well. If I had spent these years on that I could be so far now. But how will I handle the many triggers, and will my recent encounter with the TRUTH of my life be enough to keep me clean? Jean-Paul Sartre says that I am the one who controls my destiny, and no matter how intense the obligation or desires, everything I do is MY CHOICE and MY RESPONSIBILITY. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can navigate my way to success and happiness.

Thanks for reading and I hope some of you post your stories as well. I hope this was inspiring, or something. I needed to say this somewhere people would hear it. Good luck to you all and watch that video. Jordan Peterson specializes in addictions, it has been eye-opening to listen to him, I highly recommend you give it a try. Half the reason I developed my addiction was because I didn't know how my brain worked and how addiction happens. If someone told me it has so much more to do with than simply being an attractive substance, I may have avoided it entirely.