My Name Is Toxic Shame By Leo Booth/John Bradshaw

I was there at your conception In the epinephrine of your mother's shame You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb I came upon you before you could speak Before you understood Before you had any way of knowing I came upon you when you were learning to walk When you were unprotected and exposed When you were vulnerable and needy Before you had any boundaries MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I came upon you when you were magical Before you could know I was there I severed your soul I pierced you to the core I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness I made you feel different I told you there was something wrong with you I soiled your Godlikeness MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I existed before conscience Before guilt Before morality I am the master emotion I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I live in secrecy In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door Uninvited unwanted The first to arrive I was there at the beginning of time With Father Adam, Mother Eve Brother Cain I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage The cruel remarks of siblings The jeering humiliation of other children The awkward reflection in the mirrors The touch that feels icky and frightening The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust I am intensified by A racist, sexist culture The righteous condemnation of religious bigots The fears and pressures of schooling The hypocrisy of politicians The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into A bitch, a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfish little bastard I bring pain that is chronic A pain that will not go away I am the hunter that stalks you night and day Every day everywhere I have no boundaries You try to hide from me But you cannot Because I live inside of you I make you feel hopeless Like there is no way out MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy, judgment, power, and rage My pain is so intense You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses. My pain is so intense That you must numb out and no longer feel me. I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist - you experience absence and emptiness. MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I am the core of co-dependency I am spiritual bankruptcy The logic of absurdity The repetition compulsion I am crime, violence, incest, rape I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions I am instability and lust I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman, Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer, Goethe's Faust I twist who you are into what you do and have I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME